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ICE SKATING TRIP |
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by Pam Beesly
 Hey guys, let me know if you want to go ice skating at that outdoor rink they set up over at the baseball stadium. Jim bet me that he can beat me in an ice skating race and I want to get as many people there as possible to watch me humiliate him, so tell me what day works best for you all and I'll set something up. They have group rates for skate rental, too, so don't worry about the cost. If you want to see Jim eat my frozen dust, stop by reception and let me know. (Special note to Jim: You can't back out now because the bet's public. Suck it up and get those skates sharpened. The Beesly Express is coming at you full steam ahead!)
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HAVE YOU SEEN MY SCARF? |
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by Kelly Kapoor
I know I've asked all of you like a million times already, but sometimes I think people don't really listen to me so I wanted to put this in writing. I lost my favorite scarf. It's pink with the word "Princess" written in rhinestones on the back. I realize that you'd probably want to keep it for yourself if you found it, so I'm offering a reward. Anyone that returns my scarf will get one hour of free fashion consulting from me. This prize is priceless. If you find my scarf, please return it to me ASAP, no questions asked. My neck is totally cold without it.
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DWIGHT SPEAKS!
"Life Lessons from Mose" |
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by Dwight Schrute
Some of you may be familiar with my cousin Mose. He lives with me on Schrute Farms and spends the majority of his days as a caretaker for our land. I have known for quite some time that Mose is full of wisdom and I would like to now share that wisdom with you.
Don't eat anything that your fork can't stick through.
- Before each meal, Mose takes his fork and pokes all of his food. If his fork cannot stick through something, he doesn't eat it. As a result, Mose has never choked on a seed or pit. He also avoids eating items that look like food but aren't food. You might even say that Mose is still alive today because he pokes his fork through all of his food. Try it. It just might save your life.
Sleep sitting up with your back to your door.
- Have you ever fallen out of bed? Mose hasn't. That's because he doesn't lie down when he sleeps and his back is always on his door. This also helps him avoid the problem of somebody breaking into his room while he sleeps. He does it to guard against monsters, but home invasions are a real threat and he's unknowingly stopping any unwanted intruders from entering his room. He also evades sore throats and congestion because fluid can't pool in his lungs, throat, and nose during the night. Perhaps best of all, Mose will never get a bed sore. Try sleeping like Mose tonight. It just might save your life.
Only cut your hair when it gets in the way.
- Hair is a tool, not a decoration. It grows on the body and head to prevent heat loss and serve as a layer of protection to the skin. Mose never cuts his hair until it grows long enough to obstruct his vision or becomes a distraction. He certainly never shaves any of his body hair. While society may frown upon Mose's hairy ways, he'll have the last laugh when he outlives us all. When it comes to follicle matters, follow Mose's lead. It just might save your life.
If you take these lessons from Mose, your life will no doubt be improved. The next time you come up against any situation, just ask yourself "how would Mose handle this?" and you'll know exactly what to do.
(P.S. The only area you shouldn't take advice from Mose is in human interaction - he's just not very social like the rest of the Schrutes.)
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NEW HR POLICY |
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from Toby Flenderson
Please be aware that I'm instituting a new policy due to some recent unfortunate events. From now on, I'll be locking the cabinets that hold my HR files. I discovered that someone has taken it upon themselves to go through and "modify" some of the files and this is unacceptable. I'm sorry to introduce this forceful measure, but it's something that has to be done, as Human Resources information is private and confidential. I wish our office could operate as an open environment, but this is sadly not the case.
Also, to whoever altered my own file, I'd like to state for the record that I am not, nor have I ever been, a poo-eating butt-bot. I'm not even sure what that is.
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WATCH THIS!
A Monthly Movie Review Column |
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by Michael Gary Scott
This month I'll be reviewing a movie called "There Will Be Blood" which is not a horror film even though the title clearly states that it should be. Don't get fooled like I did. The movie's about oil. It stars newcomer Daniel Dale Uis as an oil farmer who gets rich buying a goat farm from some religious people. This may not be a completely fair review because the sound was clearly broken for the entire movie and it made the music sound like a bunch of cows dying. I complained to the manager but he lied and told me that the music was supposed to sound like that. Really, Mr. Manager? Somebody would purposely make that their soundtrack? I'm not an expert, but I've seen a ton of movies and I really don't think that's the case here.
Even if the music was perfect, I should let you know that this movie made no sense. There was barely any talking and when they were talking, you couldn't even figure out what they were saying. It seemed like a foreign film, but I know they were talking in English because I recognized the words they were using. They just made no sense. You'd be much better off staying at home and turning on the Spanish channel because you'd probably understand that a lot more and at least you get to see people trip and fall a lot, which is always funny.
If you like confusing movies about oil and history, "There Will Be Blood" is for you. If you prefer movies that you might actually enjoy, go see "Alvin and the Chipmunks." I hear it's hysterical.
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