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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
 What simple maneuver can help us spend one-sixteenth of what we've been spending on paper AND also help us spend one-sixteenth of what we've been spending on printer toner? Confused? Well, it's a riddle. I'll give you a hint, the answer is the "printer layout" function on our print menu. Instead of printing one page per page, everyone in the office is now obligated to print 16 pages per page. Our branch alone stands to save literally a few hundred dollars a year from this! Do it across every Dunder Mifflin branch and we're talking about a few thousand dollars!!! Like many of my innovations, I'm sure there will be some minor resistance when this is implemented. Those with inferior visual perception may complain of eye pain, asthenopia, temporary blindness, permanent blindness, and a variety of other ophthalmological conditions, but that's exactly why our healthcare plan covers a basic eye exam and 10% of yearly costs. For reference I posted a copy of it (printed 16 pages per page) on the bulletin board in the break room. See page 68 for information regarding our ophthalmological plan. |
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OSCAR'S GRIPE |
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by Oscar Martinez
When I, or any other member of this office is using the bathroom, it is NOT appropriate to try and strike up a conversation. Small talk, work questions, dating advice, discussions about what you had to eat that day, a running description and analysis of what you're doing - all wildly inappropriate! Kevin, I don't want to give you relationship advice while you're on the toilet and Creed I'm tired of overhearing you make those scary crank phone calls where you threaten your friends. And once again, I don't care if you think your hands are "perfectly clean," washing them is for me and everyone else in this office.
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STANLEY'S TRIBUTE TO MLK |
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by Stanley Hudson
 Michael required me to write a minimum of 100 words about Martin Luther King Jr. and what he means to me "and my peeps." But in my opinion, the whole point of Dr. King's work was that a black man shouldn't have to listen to what a white man tells him to do. So to honor the great Martin Luther King, I'm inviting Michael to go kiss my black (TEXT REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE EDITOR – D.K.S.)
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THE CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
There has been crazy drama about all the late night talk show hosts lately and frankly I could not be more bored. What do Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, and Conan all have in common? They're old. Their combined ages are more than 100! It's time to give America what they want: Carson Daly at 11:35. Carson's credentials are top notch. He hosted TRL, he's hot, he's cute, and he dated the likes of Jennifer Love Hewitt (before she was old), Tara Reid (before she looked like a clown), and Christina Aguilera (when she was still "dirty"). I bet he slept with a lot of other girls too. Maybe he'd talk about it? Or maybe he'd do his monologue with his shirt off. That would finally be good late night TV! Anyway, screw the ugly old men, go with the hottie. Or if not, Jimmy Fallon is not like completely barfalicious to the eyes.
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
It's a new decade and I took a big leap forward. I joined MySpace. I had been all over Friendster for the past few years, but most of my friends' accounts became inactive and the ones that didn't all seemed to live in the Philippines. As much as I loved discussing Jo Koy and telling them my name was "Phil Ipino," the long distance relationships just weren't giving me what I needed. So I made the switch to MySpace. Unfortunately, I'm not seeing many of you on there. People, it's time to get with the 2010's, this is not your momma's social networking site (although it is my mom's). You need to make the switch - everyone is doing it. MySpace is crazy hip. You can customize your page. Mine is a picture of Andy Samberg (from Hot Rod) and me, well actually me and a cardboard cutout of him, but it looks real. Also, you can make your page go on forever and ever and ever if you have lots of people post on your wall. My page is not big yet, but I figure I've a got a decade to fill it out and I want you there with me.
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