Valentine's Day is only a couple of weeks away, you guys. I'm bringing that up cause it seems like people always forget the real meaning of the holiday, and that's the candy. There's jelly beans, hot cinnamon gummy bears, juju hearts, conversation hearts, chocolate shaped like hearts, chocolate shaped like lips... the list goes on.

But all that tasty goodness takes a backseat to looooove. I mean don't get me wrong, I like love and stuff. But I think it's wrong that it overshadows all the epic candy made for this day. So maybe in between all your "Oh baby oh baby's," you can take a minute to stop and smell the Jolly Ranchers. It's not every day they come in the form of a lollipop shaped like a heart.

There's been a lot of rotten talk goin' around about the Republican candidates, like how they're detached millionaires or they cheat on their wives. But I say we take a step back from all that hogwash and look at these guys for what they really are: pure hotties. Seriously, they turn me on more than John C. Reilly, the Wayans brothers and Jim combined. Take Newt Gingrich for example. I could get lost in those crazy eyes and that comfy-lookin' doughboy bod for hours on end.

Feel free to sext me if you're looking for any more lady friends, Fig Newton. And how about Ron Paul? He's freakin' adorkable. He looks a lot like Gandalf, and I'll tell ya what - that's one wizard I wouldn't mind working some of my own magic on. And don't even get me started on Mitt Romney. He reminds me of that buff stud from the male enhancement commercials. On that note, I got no problem with you changing positions, cupcake. Bottom line: they're all real easy on the eye, so who the hell cares if they ain't perfect otherwise?