PAM'S POLL
by: Pam Halpert
Valentine's Day tells us that love will be in the air, along with lots
of perfume and cologne! So this month's poll asks whether you think
people wear too much perfume and cologne in the office, or not enough?
TOO MUCH: 25%
NOT ENOUGH: 75%
There was a write-in from Meredith: "First, I don't wear enough, then I wear too much. Joke's on you. It ain't perfume, it's Febreze. Ka-boom!"
Romantic Rendezvous for Sale
by: Stanley Hudson
For Sale: One Valentine's Day Weekend getaway package! Two Days, One Night at the beautiful Radford Plaza Downtown Philadelphia, the weekend of Feb. 16.
On arrival you will receive: Wine, champagne or sparkling cider. A romantic dinner for two at the famous "Bellini's" restaurant/bar is included (fixed 3-course menu). Late check-out available. Includes two tickets to the Bistro Jazz Club for Saturday night.
The only caveat: You must check in under the name Cindy or Cynthia L. Williams. (I'll find out which name she used in the next week or two. She's travelling and was called out of town for a while, but she will be reachable by phone in a couple days.) Paid $250. Will sacrifice for $175.
Also, I seem to have misplaced a gift. It's a ladies' watch by Burberry, brand-new, still in the box. The packaging describes it as follows:
- Quartz movement
- Water-resistant to 5ATM
- Smooth bezel
- Square stainless steel case; 26 mm (.98") X 29 mm (1.14")
- Silver sunray textured dial
- Bar hour markers
- Date display at 6:00
- Second hand
- Stainless steel link bracelet in check pattern; 16mm wide (.63")
- Made in Switzerland
Valentine's Day
by: Toby Flenderson
As Valentine's Day approaches, I would like to remind everyone that public displays and tokens of affection are best kept out of the office environment. If they must be done at the office, and again they really don't have to be, they should be strictly platonic. If you cross the line, you're only going to get into trouble. It's like in my latest novel, It's Always for a Dame. Chad Flenderman's co-worker falls for him hard. It starts with a simple, passionate interoffice kiss and rapidly escalates into a heart-pounding, white-knuckle, thrill ride involving the mob, mistaken identities, and taking down the biggest money-laundering scheme in Northeastern Pennsylvania. My point is, all this could have been avoided had Chad Flenderman merely kept business and pleasure separate. That one momentary lapse almost got him killed. Almost. So be careful this Valentine's Day because as Chad Flenderman would say, "Love? It ain't nuthin' but trouble."
For Sale
by: Creed Bratton
For Sale: One brand new Burberry ladies' watch, quartz movement, water-resistant to 5ATM, smooth bezel, square stainless steel case, silver sunray textured dial, bar hour markers, date display at 6:00, second hand, stainless steel link bracelet in check pattern ; 16 mm wide (.63"), made in Switzerland. $20 or best offer.
The Dundle
by: Clark Green
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Flu Shots
by: Erin Hannon
 I warned you. I tried to get you all to listen for weeks and weeks. And now here we are. Flu season. Thankfully some of you listened to reason and got a flu shot. But the rest of you are going to be up in a ping-pong tournament without a paddle. And by the way, Meredith, the flu shot does not cause autism, Creed, it's not a waste of a good needle and no, Clark, I don't believe you're a member of a religion that opposes it. I'm beginning to think some of you might want the flu for cripes' sake! Didn't you learn anything from last year? Meredith caught the flu three times! Remember how tan it made her? For the rest of you, even though you got the shot, you can still get the flu thanks to these turkeys.
It'll be fine as long as we take extra precautions. First, wash your hands a lot. To make sure you kill all those flu germs, you should keep scrubbing for at least the time it take to sing, "Happy Birthday." I take turns singing it to the faucet, the sink, the mirror and the soap dispenser. Second, don't share things with people, including food (no more candy jar, Kevin), office supplies (get your own pens, Pam) and even each other's air (please stop breathing on me, Creed). And if you do get sick, stay home.
"Makin some changes"
by: Meredith Palmer
Here's the deal, I shaved my head because of those lice, and now I feel like I'm being given a chance to change things up in my life, kind of like a fresh start. There's something I always wanted to do but it's new and foreign and kind of scary to me, but now seems to be the perfect time for me to finally grow a mullet.
Edgy like Billy Ray Cyrus, smooth and versatile like Uncle Jesse, and oozing with sexuality like a young Ellen Degeneres. That's the cut job for MP. Business in the front, party in the back, Gomorrah down south.
I know not everybody loves the old Kentucky coattail like I do. Sure I'll still be in good with the bikers, carnies and sex addicts of the world, but what about the rest of my guys? The foreign businessmen, single dads with low self-esteem and recovering sex addicts of the world? I don't want to do nothing that might slow my roll when it comes to getting some pole, know what I'm sayin?
I usually get my haircut by my guy Tony, but he just got popped for stealin' car stereos out of church vans, so now I have the opportunity to get this done for real. Like by a legit gay dude haircutter. Oscar, you got anybody you can recommend, or does anybody know who grooms Dog the Bounty Hunter?
I've still got a lot of details on this to figure out, so if you got an opinion, come by my desk and let's talk this out. I could really use all of your support as I enter this time of transition in my life. Also, if anyone is looking to buy a used car stereo from a church van, I got a guy.
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