 |
|
|
|
SO LONG, SUCKERS |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Todd Packer
 I would like take this moment to say goodbye to Michael Snot and all you Pennsylvania freaks, 'cause this stud's heading south! Corporate wanted me harder than the ladies down at Whiskey Dick's. So I'm off to Tallahassee, and I have to say I'm pretty excited. I'll give you three reasons why: Florida A&M, Florida State, and Tallahassee Community College. That's right fatties - I'm leaving the PA loserpalooza to join one of Florida's most prominent college cities. Can somebody say sexy co-eds?! God it just doesn't get much better. Sunshine, boobs, gators -- hell yeah. If anyone would like to visit me, I think that's hilarious and the answer is no. I'll be too busy tappin' Kappa, and drinking beers at the Florida Fairgrounds. Looks like I'm lovin' ya and leavin' ya, true Packer style. Hope the heartbreak doesn't keep you up at night. Peace out girl scouts.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ERIN 2.0 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Erin Hannon
 Hi guys! I want to start out by thanking Pam Halpert for getting me a new computer. It's so fast! I never thought I could watch Thriller in Manila in under an hour. Also I'd like to let everybody know that my productivity has increased a million-fold. Here are some examples:
- My computer no longer shocks me, so I don't spend time recovering from that throughout the day.
- No more Trojans! (The virus, not the contraception. But yuck on both fronts! LOL).
- I can scroll!
- My "A" and "I" keys work again! I'll no longer have to be Erun Hennen. Thanks again Pam ;) Or should I say, "Spam"? Nope! Not anymore!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I'M UPSET THAT YOU'RE UPSET |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Ryan Howard
People are mad that Arcade Fire won Grammy album of the year?? Figures. Americans will perpetually be threatened by originality and it disgusts me. It was called an "upset," but let me tell you what's upsetting: Katy Perry being nominated. Did the recording academy even listen to her lyrics? "Firework," for example: "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again." Are you kidding me?! What does that even mean? It's wack nonsense. Now let's ponder the tender poetry of Arcade Fire's "The Suburbs": "Kids wanna be so hard, But in my dreams we're still screamin' and runnin' through the yard, And all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall, And all of the houses they built in the seventies finally fall." It's a message that doesn't shout at us via auto-tuned Valley girl lyrics; it speaks to us with a mellow, complex maturity. Sorry to crush your teenage dreams, but the album's a winner. Get over it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
CELEB 411 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Kelly Kapoor
 It was 1995. I was 15. I sat down in my hairstylist's chair at Only the Good Dye Young, and said four words: "I want The Rachel." I walked into that salon a girl, and left a woman. Jen Aniston inspired me and so many others, and she still does even though she's like a thousand years old now. What's crazy is that she claims to have hated The Rachel, and called her stylist Chris McMillan 'the bane of her existence' because he started the haircut. But I think he's the mane of her existence. That style put her on the map!! It got people talking, it stimulated them, it encouraged them... It's still the most popular cut among British women, and British people are super smart. Jen eventually switched to a longhaired look which was also stunning, and she kept it that way forever.  But last Tuesday she unveiled a new blunt bob that started total media chaos. I think it looks fierce -- it's blonde, it's bold, it's bitchin'... It's so Jen. She inspires every generation to "cut" loose and look hot, and I hope I'm just like her when I'm her age. Except with kids and a husband.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
NEED NUMBERS |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Michael Scott
 Dropped phone in toilet. Lost contacts :/ Text me your numbers. Or wait -- email me your numbers.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
