Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter

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Vol. 14 #2
February 28, 2012

PAM'S POLL
by: Pam Halpert

Do you sing in the shower?

20% said Yes
75% said No

*Andy wrote in: "Technically I do 'sing' in the shower, but it's really more of a full on performance that manages to connect directly to the emotions of whomever is listening."

Celeb 411
by: Kelly Kapoor

Since March is National Women's History Month, I'd like to give props to my favorite influential female celebs.

J.Lo: She's a businesswoman, an actress, a singer, a dancer, and she's like the sweetest most helpful American Idol judge that show has ever seen. She totally gets all the factors that go into making a star, and I know when I'm on Idol, we're gonna hit it off and make an album together. Not to mention her nipple has its own Twitter page. That is true star power.
Angelina: She's got world-famous beauty, babies, Brad Pitt AND an Oscar. Normally extreme jealousy would prevent me from liking someone like this, but it's impossible not to. She's an effing UN Goodwill Ambassador! I try to be more like her, and volunteer a lot of time giving out fashion advice to all the unfortunately dressed people in the office.
Beyoncé: "Single Ladies" has gotten me through every breakup Ryan and I have ever had since '09. It's like Beyoncé writes all her lyrics specifically for me. I send her a lot of direct messages on Twitter with song ideas, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. Ugh, what I wouldn't give to be adopted as her and Jay-Z's second baby!!
Madonna: She was a mega icon when I was only 3. And she's still a totally awesome influence all these years later. Everything she does becomes popular, from lace gloves to kabbalah. I think that's why I identify with her so much, cause everything I've ever done has become really popular in Scranton, and sometimes even Wilkes-Barre.
Oprah: She has everything I've ever wanted - a TV show, a TV network, a radio network, books, a magazine, a store, and $315 million dollars. Plus she illegally demands that Nielsen families watch OWN to boost ratings. I demand stuff from people every day, so I know we're one in the same. Every night I pray she gets rid of Gayle and asks me to be her new B.F.F.

Fence
by: Meredith Palmer

Yo - anybody want me to bring in an electric fence so we can keep those 5th grade meatheads out of the parking lot? My neighbor purchased one a while back to keep his bobcat in the yard, but the thing ended up trying to bite his face off and he had to choke it to death, so the fence is up for grabs. Let me know.

Official Announcement
by: Dwight Schrute

As you may have already heard, Nellie has appointed me Vice President of Special Projects. I asked Erin to send out a press release, but she thought that meant to give people hugs ("press together and release." What a dingbat). Announcing this in the newsletter will have to suffice. I now reside in a stately category with high-fliers such as Dan Quayle, Dick Cheney and True Jackson. It's quite the honor, however I know you're possibly thinking otherwise; that these roles should be reversed. Dwight is a tall, potent man with a perfect middle part that screams "President," and Nellie is a woman with a naturally smaller brain, suitable for a subordinate position. I'll explain this once and only once: the vice presidency is a much more adequate job for wielding power. I'll possess a lower profile, which will afford me greater ease in secretly running the retail chain project myself. The V.P. is the true leader. And trust me, I'll be leading this chain just as strongly as coronary heart disease is the leading cause of death in the U.S. I will not disappoint, I will not slacken, I will not be stopped. And I will never quit being sexy, so don't even ask.

Invitation
by: Toby Flenderson

I'd like to welcome you all to my home this weekend for a more in-depth self-defense tutorial. The class will be free, and we'll review things such as pressure points, maximizing damage, and common holds. Or honestly, we don't even have to talk about self-defense. We could just have coffee and discuss politics or books, like friends do. I have Balderdash.

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