by: Pam Halpert
In honor of spring, which is nearly
upon us, this month's poll asks
the office to name their favorite
There was a write-in from someone called Flipper: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every porpoise under the heaven." Very cute, Creed.
Sign Up Now for St Patrick's Day!
by: Meredith Palmer
This year I am again hosting my annual St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl. If you aren't crawling out of the pub at the end of the night, then Meredith ain't done her job. Also, my son, in order to pay me back for breaking our hot plate, has volunteered to be our designated driver, so fear of personal safety is not a valid excuse to skip out this year. Here's an updated itinerary:
- 5:01pm: Meet outside my van in the parking lot. Official Meredith's St. Patty's Pub Crawl T-shirts and G-strings will be handed out at this time.
- 5:30 - 7pm: Pre-game in front of Wendy's. After a few rounds of "Frosties and Forties," we head out.
- 7 - 10pm: We'll be at any bar with an "O" or "Mac" in front of its name. Chuggin' pints and pickin' fights! It's St. Patrick's Day!!
- 10pm - Midnight: Horse Fly's Gentlemen's Club Buffet (I've got a 2-for-1 coupon for all table dances and shrimp cocktails).
- Midnight: Mass at St. Peter's on 3rd. Also a good time to puke and rally if need be.
- 12:30 - 1:30am: Dancing at MC Escher's nightclub. Bring something trashy to change into. Anyone who gets the DJ to play "Sippin' on Some Sizzurp" by Three Six Mafia gets an Irish Car Bomb on me.
- 1:30 - 2am: Retrace the morning parade route looking for any unclaimed beads and chocolate gold coins.
- 2 - 3am: Shamrock tattoos by my friend Tattoo Mike. Prize given for whoever finds the most creative/sexy spot to get their shamrock. Below the waist only. Closest to the hole wins.
- 3 - 4am: I'll be honest, by this point we could be anywhere.
Feel free to crash at my place afterwards to sleep it off. I've got enough space and condoms for everyone. Hope to see you guys then!
March Madness Starts This Month
by: Kevin Malone
I will be organizing another March Madness bracket contest this year. I have been told many times that gambling is illegal in the office, so this year's contest will be a free buy-in.
On a related note, I hear someone might be running a personal bracket contest out of his car. The buy-in might be 100 dollars, but he is also taking single game bets. You could bet the line or even parlay, 3/3 would pay, say, 5/1, with the house taking a 5% cut of any winnings. I hear something like this might exist, ran by a guy named Bevin. So if anyone is interested in Bevin's 100 dollar bracket, let Kevin know. Bevin just happens to be my best friend. He's the coolest.
Bevin went to Michigan on a football and baseball scholarship but retired from sports to draw comic books professionally. Also, he's so funny that he's writing the sequel to "Wedding Crashers" in his spare time. Bevin hangs out at my apartment all the time. Sometimes people will be like, "Where's Bevin and Kevin?" because they want to see both of us equally. Anyways, turn your brackets in before the first game on March 19th, and if anyone wants me to tell Bevin "What's up" for them, I can totally do that because Bevin is a real person.
by: Toby Flenderson
I'm selling Girl Scout Cookies again this year. Well, Sasha is selling them technically. This year I wanted to give you fair warning so we don't have a repeat of last year's fiasco. Since Darryl will also be selling cookies, on Jada's behalf, we have worked it out so that we'll each take half the office.
I suggested that I take the first week and he take the second. He countered saying he'd take the bullpen and I can have the annex. We're still in arbitration. But rest assured your cookies will be delivered in a timely manner, whomever you choose to order from. Hopefully me.
by: Clark Green
Daylight Saving Time
by: Erin Hannon
Okay, it's that time of year again when they tell us we have to change our clocks. Actually, to be clear, we change the time, not the clocks. I wish somebody had told me that last year. Would've saved me a couple trips to Target.
And it's March, so we move the time ahead one hour. Here's a short poem to help you remember: "Spring forward, fall back." Except when I fall, I usually fall forward. And if I ever spring, it's usually up. But that's my issue, not yours. Either way, we lose an hour.
Now if anyone knows why it's called Daylight Saving Time even though we lose an hour, please let me know. A better name would be Daylight Changing Time. Come to think of it, it's so weird that we can change the time, don't you think? I mean, don't clocks mean anything? What's to stop us from saying it's Thursday, even though it's clearly Monday? That would be terrible. Especially if I rented a movie from RedBox. I'd automatically be four days late!
The good news is that we get to leave work an hour earlier (it will be 4pm but the clocks will say 5). I'm not sure how that affects Stanley's naptime. Since he usually goes down at 4, will he be sleepy enough to nap at 3? And what about lunch? That's going to be a train wreck. Who's hungry at 11? Well, Stanley, I guess, if he's napping at 3. But I'll have to eat breakfast an hour earlier. That's going to throw off my whole morning. Oh boy, I better go figure this out.
by: Oscar Martinez
There are so many people I'd like to thank for another successful Oscar's Oscar party. I'd like to thank the Academy for another great, though at times glacial, award ceremony. I have to thank my team, Blaine, Anthony and Lawrence for the witty and pithy running commentary throughout the night. You guys are the best. I couldn't have done it without you. I have to thank my agent at Gladstone Realty for finding me an amazing new place. To Kevin, thank you for not leaving any leftovers. Bathing suit season is right around the corner. Meredith, thank you for the drinks, the only thing stronger than your language. I have to thank Creed for not stealing anything. And finally I'd like to thank myself for bringing together an evening truly befitting the end of awards season. You work so hard and then when it all comes together... well it just leaves you speechless. Thank you again.