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OMG! ADVICE! |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 Hi guys! I've been asking for my own advice column in the newsletter for months now and Michael finally told me I could totally do it, so this is my very own column! I was on my school newspaper in high school and I gave out the best advice to people so I think you're really going to like this. Michael said I couldn't actually have people ask me for advice because there's not enough people in the office and everyone would totally know who was asking for the advice, so I'm just going to make it all up. The advice will be real though, so make sure to pay attention to that. It looks like I'm running out of space, so I'll just answer one question this week.
This girl in my office is writing a new advice column and I think it's like the best thing ever. Should I give her presents for doing such an amazing job? -"Jenny"
Absolutely! If someone's doing something really cool like writing an advice column, you should buy her all kinds of gifts like MAC makeup, Victoria's Secret "Pink" clothes, and lots of yummy chocolate. She'll really appreciate it and you'll feel really good about yourself.
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GOOD FRIDAY? NO. THE BEST FRIDAY. |
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by Michael Scott
A lot of you have been asking me if Friday is an official Dunder Mifflin holiday or if you'll have to use a vacation day to take the day off. I've spoken with our little superstar in Corporate (former temp Ryan Howard) and I've got good news. Corporate is giving all of its employees a half-day off! Starting at 1pm, you can make Good Friday into the BEST Friday. Here are some ideas. (1) Play Frisbee with a dog! It doesn't have to be your own. I like to bring a Frisbee with me when I go for walks because sometimes you see a dog who just wants to play. It's always good to be prepared. (2) Go see a couple of movies! I like to pay the bargain matinee price for my first movie and then stay for a few more for free. Just hide in the bathroom in between flicks and bring a couple of different hats so the ushers don't recognize you when you're going from theater to theater. It's easy! (3) Do whatever religious thing you're supposed to do on Good Friday. I don't know what it is, but I bet Angela can fill you in.
For the record, Corporate has requested that you work twice as hard during the first half of the day.
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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
 There has been a recent upswing in our office supply usage and it's time to address this problem head on. Just because we sell paper and other office supplies does not mean we can treat the supplies that we use in our office as if they're an unlimited resource. Yes, there is a warehouse downstairs that houses a large supply of pens and yes, whenever we run out of pens it's very easy to go downstairs and grab a new box. These pens are not free however. Much the opposite. When we take pens from the warehouse we are literally taking money away from the very company we represent. Those pens represent lost revenue, people. Revenue we will NEVER recoup. So next time you carelessly lose your pens like a frivolous child at a Montessori school, just remember that you're essentially stealing from the company for your carelessness. Hold onto your pens or there will be consequences.
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NOTES FROM THE WAREHOUSE |
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by Darryl Philbin
I don't really know what this supposed to be, but since Mike keeps bugging me about it, I'll do my best.
Lonny's been trying to slim down a lot recently. You guys know Lonny - big guy, doesn't really come upstairs much. Anyway, he cut out soda from his diet, which is pretty good 'cause that dude used to drink a two-liter of Coke every day. Every single day. So now that he's not drinking it, he's losing some of that weight. He's got a ways to go, though.
Some of you office folk have asked me if I ever talk to Roy and I can't say that I do that much. We email sometimes, but that's about it. Seems like he's doing okay though. I'll tell him that you all have been asking about him.
Not much going on with me, but if something happens, I'll save it for the next newsletter. Okay. Be cool. Peace.
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WATCH THIS! A Monthly Movie Review |
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by Michael Gary Scott
"Into The Wild"
[The first half]
So I saw "Into the Wild" a couple of weeks ago, but I fell asleep about halfway through so I'm only going to review the first half of the movie. I liked it. Emily Hirsch stars as this preppy kid who decides to go on a journey after college. He gives up all of his stuff and leaves his family (I don't blame him, they seemed pretty mean) and just takes off on an adventure around the world. I've wanted to do that sometimes. I'd never do it alone though. I'd want to take all of you guys with me, for different reasons. I'd take Jim because he's always good to talk to; Pam because she's good at organization so she could be my navigator; Andy because he can sing; Stanley because he'd scare all the bears away; Phyllis because she could knit me clothes if I run out; Kevin, Oscar, and Angela so they could keep track of my money; Kelly because her voice is really soothing; Creed because he's been in a lot of forests before; Dwight because he'd whine too much if I didn't take him along; and Meredith because if we ever needed to be rescued, the rescuers could just look for her hair. I would only bring Toby if I could leave him in the middle of the desert tied up on train tracks.
I bet the rest of the movie is a lot more exciting that the first half. I'll tell you more about it when I get a chance to watch it.
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