 |
|
|
|
DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Dwight Schrute
A reminder about the office dress code:
I've kept my mouth shut for long enough, but after years of watching the Dunder Mifflin dress code get flagrantly abused by one of my (anonymous) desk-mates, I've decided I can no longer stand by idly and watch the honor of our proud corporation desecrated by said employee (who sits next to me). Rolling up your shirtsleeves makes you look like a slacker. Unbuttoning the top button on your dress shirt makes you look like an anarchist. Loosening your necktie, makes you look like a marijuana addict. I've also noticed several female employees wearing inappropriately distracting clothes, bright colors that lower productivity and destroy morale. When you undermine our dress code, you're not only doing a disservice to yourself, but to your coworkers, your clients, your family name, and the entire corporation. The aforementioned behavior must be rectified IMMEDIATELY or else I will be forced to send out additional memos. Trust me, I will follow through on my threat and drown you in sea of memos. Once I pull the trigger, you can be pretty sure I'm going to empty the clip.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Angela Martin
People have complained that I show undue favoritism to kittens. They've even gone so far as to say, the only animal I'm willing to tolerate is a cat. That's simply not true. Yes, of course cats are obviously the most precious and wonderful of all of God's animals, but I love other animals too, and if you don't believe me, here's some proof:
Here's a photograph of an adorable rabbit. Look at him, playing with friend, both of them so clean and pure-looking. They're sleepy-heads and they're cuddling, nothing nefarious about it. To me, it looks like the Easter Bunny is exhausted from delivering so many Easter eggs and his good friend, "Mr. Snuggles Snowball," is just comforting him.
Here's another adorable animal! And yes, I know this isn't actually a frog, but I think this kitten is a testament to just how cute other animals can be. Before I saw this picture, I never would've considered a "frog" as possibly being a cute animal, but this kitten has changed all that. He's opened my mind. Such is the power of the cat.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
OSCAR'S GRIPE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Oscar Martinez
There has to be a statute of limitations when it comes to people saying "spoiler alert." Listen people, if you haven't seen the first season of The Sopranos by now, you have no right to complain if people are discussing it in your presence. It's been over ten years since the show premiered. And don't give me the "I don't have HBO" line, because it's been out on DVD for nearly a decade and they even show reruns on A&E. You have no excuses for not seeing it at this point, so I refuse to apologize for "spoiling" that TONY'S MOM TRIED TO HAVE HIM KILLED IN THE FIRST SEASON. Yeah I said it. Now get over it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
PAM'S WARNING |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Pam Beesly
We're getting a new copier! Since our old one predates my employment at Dunder Mifflin, I'm assuming we'll have this one for a long time too. So please, lets try and treat this one a little better than the last one. If it jams, shaking it does not help. That sort of logic is kind of like shaking a child in order to get it to stop crying. And aside from the obvious indecency and sanitary issues, sitting on the glass and copying your rear, can seriously damage the machine. So please be gentle with her. (Not sure why the copier is a girl-I hope that isn't sexist.)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
THE CELEB 411 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Kelly Kapoor
OMG! I read in Star that Jennifer Aniston called out Brad's name while she was in bed with Jon Mayer. How romantic!!!! She still loves him! I bet Jon was pretty upset, but then he probably thought, well Brad is much hotter than me and to be honest, I'm kind of lucky to have someone as hot as Jennifer, so maybe I should thank my lucky stars that I have it so good. What a jerk he is! Standing in the way of Brad and Jennifer reuniting. He should just go back to Jessica Simpson, because that Tony Romo guy she's with now seems like a hick with no style to me. Ugh, I'm so upset now. This always happens to me. I spend so much time worrying about them. Why can't they work out their drama, so I can actually get a decent night of sleep for once?
STOP THE PRESSES! Just read that Jen broke up with Jon because he twittered too much. Oh my God you guys, dreams really do come true!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
PARTING SCOTTS |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Michael Scott
As most of you know, I've given my two weeks' notice. Leaving my position of Regional Manager, after a storied career, I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I've compiled a list of stuff that I will accomplish now that I no longer have to carry the Scranton branch, nay, the entire Dunder Mifflin corporation on my shoulders:
- Complete my bucket list.
- Rent Bucket List.
- Finally win a stuffed animal from the claw game at the Chucky Cheese.
- Meet someone and fall in love with them, have a many many children.
- Visit every Six Flags, ride all the rides, never puke.
- Create and promote my YouTube video "Whoopie (cushion) Goldberg."
- Write my new screenplay "Very Scary Movie" - spoiler alert, it's a spoof of "Scary Movie" - only it's actually very scary. Also it's hilarious.
- Europe.
- Pimp my PT Cruiser.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
