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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
Spring has sprung and so have mold spores. I will perform my quarterly office disinfection on Saturday because I will no longer subject myself to your whining about the fumes. It's not my fault the windows don't open or that your constitutions are weak. I refuse to use commercially produced cleaners. You may play fast and loose with cleanliness, but I will not compromise. If you want to help, I will accept applications for sturdy volunteers to come in on Saturday to aid in the cleaning.
Should you choose not to participate, I will take no responsibility for the contents in, on, and around your desk. I am coming in to clean, not to organize your pathetic lives. Should something not be where you left it, I cannot be held accountable. Should my solvents discolor or dissolve your items, I will not be responsible sorry.
Cleaning day is cleaning day - period. Any family members brought with you will be expected to clean - regardless of age. (That means you, Halperts.)
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
Clearly this picture is cute. That does not need an explanation. I think it is honorable that the cat is protecting the little chicks. It is these photos of doting cats that never make the news or gossip, which is filled with stories of innocent cats killing birds and leaving carcasses for their owners. However, as cute as this picture is, it brings up troubling issues that arise every Easter.
Animal shelters and pet stores are overwhelmed by adoption requests for rabbits and chicks only to be overwhelmed by people returning these same animals that never live up to their reputations. Rather than adopting less cute animals that are harder to care for, I implore you to adopt cats. Just because Easter is approaching does not mean that cats and adorable kittens should be placed on the back burner. Please consider giving a good home to a pet that will bring you endless years of joy and one you won't send back to the pet store. Who knows, maybe next year we will finally have an Easter cat and be done with all this nonsense.
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WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH |
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by Michael Scott
What better way to celebrate Women's History Month than to find out which fearless women have influenced the ladies of Dunder Mifflin. I took my man-on-the-street alter ego, "Mike Leno," and interviewed our distinguished divas.
Phyllis Vance: I've always admired Eleanor Roosevelt. She was sort of the first woman president we had. She has inspired me to believe I can step up and lead Vance Refrigeration should anything happen to Bob.
Meredith Palmer: Madonna's Sex book changed my life! I was a lonely virgin before I read that.
Pam Halpert: It's weird if I say Karen Filippelli, right? Wait. Are you writing that down? Don't write that. Put down Clara Barton or Jane Addams or Sandra Day O'Connor.
Kelly Kapoor: I wanted to be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman except for the hooker part. I can't believe she won an Oscar for that nasty Erin Brockovich instead of sweet Vivian Ward.
Angela Martin: Sarah Palin is a brilliant trail-blazing straight shooter, but she should distance herself from unwed teen-age mothers.
Erin Hannon: I know she's just a fictional character, but Pocahontas is my heroine. She saved the life of the man she loved and earned her father's respect while protecting the forest.
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THE CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
What's the deal with ugly mistresses? Recently news broke that Jesse James cheated on beautiful Sandra Bullock with that gross tatted up chick, Michelle McGee. Why on earth is this fugly mistresses trend sweeping the celebrity world? First Bill Clinton cheats on Hillary with Monica Lewinsky. Then Jude Law cheats with his fat Nanny. Then Tiger Woods has affairs with countless uglies. Now days after Dame Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar, it comes out that her disgusting husband has been cheating on her with a zombie skank. Not only is this trend shocking, it's totally disappointing!! I used to hope that maybe Ben Affleck would cheat on Jennifer Garner with me, or maybe Brad Pitt and I would have an affair behind Angelina Jolie's back...but it'll never happen. It turns out I'm waaaaay too cute to be a mistress!!!
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
 Packer and I raised major hell at the St. Patrick's Day parade this year! I ate seven cotton candys and Packer had fifteen beers. We were two wild and crazy BFFs! For those of you not brave enough to go out in the rain, here is my top ten list of things you missed.
- Guys really don't wear anything under kilts! Pack-man ran right on the parade route and lifted this dude's skirt - nothing! It was hilarious. And the man who yelled at Pack-man for doing that in front of kids was even more hilarious.
- A guy took a shower on a float in the parade. Packer grabbed a woman and they tried to hijack the float. They didn't get on, but they made out on the parade route.
- A kid rode a horse the same size as Jo's dogs.
- I think I saw Bob and Phyllis in the parade but they wouldn't wave to me and I ran next to their car for miles. They must not have seen me, but - spoiler alert - I think Vance Refrigeration may be having trouble. They were driving a 1950's car. Bob should be able to afford a newer one.
- Awesome group of disabled Irish dancers. None of the girls' arms worked. They all just hung there, but their legs flew all over the place. Their courage and beauty almost brought me to tears. Packer's punch in the gut really did bring me to tears.
- I hugged Mayor Doherty!
- Dancing dogs in costumes. They were adorable.
- Scrantonicity played a float, but I didn't see Kevin. Where were you, Kev?
- They gave away free beads. Packer got a woman in the bar to flash us for some just like St. Patrick's Day in New Orleans.
- Even the puke on the side of the road was green. Very festive!
You should come with us next year. Packer really missed you.
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