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Vol. 15 #3
March 28, 2013
Scranton Newsletter
by: Pam Halpert

Pam Halpert
We asked the office to complete this saying: "April showers bring [blank] flowers."

93% said "May"
7% said "Blank"

There was a write-in from Kevin. "Silly Pam, you put the answer right in the puzzle!"

Changes to the Work Schedule Scheduled
by: Andy Bernard

Andy Bernard
Dudes and dudesses of Dunder Mifflin, in an effort to become more efficient I'm making a few changes to the old work schej.

First, due to the pain caused by a thoughtless breakup (I won't name names but since you're spell checking this, I still have like 10 of your jackets at my place. Do you have poor circulation or something? Seriously, you should probably have that looked at.), I am going to be working out of the office whenever possible, which is pretty much always. Do not call, but please feel free to text me any time. Let's keep it brief. You only have 160 characters. Yes or no questions only. You should get an answer by the next business day, unless it's Friday, which then I might forget and you'll have to text me again.

Also as everyone knows, I am strongly against Daylight Savings Time. I am not a farmer, so I shouldn't have to live like one. Seems pretty inconsiderate to rearrange the entire day around one person. So if I do come in, I will be coming in at 11 all year round, whether it be in April or October.

Lastly and most importantly, I am going to miss you all, even a certain receptionist. There is a new Thai restaurant that opened up next to Applebees. I'm dying to try their larb, so if anyone wants to go for lunch one day, just text me. And don't worry, the above changes will only apply to upper level management. You should all probably just keep doing what you've been doing. Take it easy, bros!Feel free to crash at my place afterwards to sleep it off. I've got enough space and condoms for everyone. Hope to see you guys then!
Missing Stapler
by: Angela Martin-Lipton

Angela Martin-Lipton
Whoever has my still missing stapler, and I have my suspicions, please return it. To that unnamed individual, I will say, it was Corporate, not me, that cracked down on unnecessary overtime. Don't make this any harder than it has to be. Toby suggested that I offer a reward to get people to come forward. So if anyone decides to come clean and finger the culprit, you will be rewarded with a clean conscience that you didn't help abet this petty criminal. Okay, we all know it was Creed. If you see him with my stapler, please take it from him and return it to me.

The Dundle
by: Clark Green

Clark Green


Spring Cleaning
by: Kevin Malone

Kevin Malone
This year I have been asked to clean out the kitchen for spring cleaning. Pam said it's my responsibility since I'm in there the most. So I'm going to take responsibility and not only will I clean it, but from now on I'm going to run this kitchen Kevin's way. All those different peanut butters in the cabinet? They're going to be mixed into one extra creamy, extra crunchy gooey goodness. I mean it's peanut butter. Do we really need six different kinds? Are there really even six different kinds of peanut butter? Food that gets left in the fridge for more than three days becomes property of me. That blueberry yogurt that Kelly left behind? It's going to go great with my new multi-peanut-butter sandwich. And another thing, no fruit. It just goes bad. People want it there just so they can seem healthy, even though they always choose not to eat it. So I'm going to put out wax fruit. That way people can feel healthy but still choose to eat the junk food. Also no more cereal containing the words bran or oat or flakes. Unless they're Frosted Flakes. If this goes well, hopefully Pam will let me be in charge of the vending machines so we can replace those soy chips with some Reese's Pieces.

A Thanks from Mose
by: Oscar Martinez

Oscar Martinez As the only representative of the office at the recent funeral for Dwight's Aunt Shirley, I feel obliged to pass on the message I received, in a very crudely written letter, from Dwight's cousin Mose. See below:

Dear Oscar, it was nice talking with you at the funeral. Aunt Shirley would have liked it. She loved most imigrants [sic]. Please collect funds from Dwight's co-workers to send to Aunt Shirley's favorite charity. They do nice things for nice people. Please send all the money to me and I will deliver it personally. Do not take it to them yourself. They are afraid of strangers. If anyone can write, make the checks payable to Mose Schrute or just M Schrute. Aunt Shirley would thank you but she's already dead. P.S. This is real.

It's probably best we don't send anything, it will only confuse him and it's pretty clear he's very fragile right now.

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