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FLAX "SEEDS" |
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by Holly Flax
Hi Everyone. Michael told me he was giving me a space in the newsletter to "drop some knowledge" on you. I don't really know what kind of knowledge this is supposed to be, so I'll just share with you some facts I know.
- Blue whales are the largest mammals.
- The capital of Montana is Helena.
- In France, Santa Claus is called Père Noël.
- Old dogs can learn new tricks. It just requires lots of repetition and treats.
I hope you enjoyed these "seeds" of wisdom. Is this what you wanted, Michael? Okay. That's all for me. I'm new to this newsletter business.
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DWIGHT SPEAKS!
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" |
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by Dwight Schrute
Over the years, we have had several safety incidents involving fires here at Dunder Mifflin. You may remember the infamous "Matchbox Magic Trick Gone Bad" event from 2001 or the "Cigarette Wastebasket" fiasco of 1999. Perhaps the most tragic fire-related occurrence was the "Cheesy Pita in the Toaster" disaster of 2005. Thank you again, Ryan Howard, for that classy display of fire-safety ignorance. I hope you're reading this, wherever you are. The reason I bring up all of these bad memories is to remind you of some of our most basic fire-safety procedures. Primarily, I want to focus on the "Stop, Drop, and Roll" exercise. It's an easy three-step process to remember when you see a fire.
First, stop what you're doing. There is nothing more important than a fire, even if somebody is being murdered before your eyes. One death is less important than many deaths. Second, drop to the floor in case a fireball is coming at your head. A lot of gas gets trapped above us - heat rises, in case you didn't pay attention in science class - and when a spark is introduced, fireballs are formed. These fireballs aim for your head, so you want to drop immediately after you've stopped. Once you're on the ground, roll towards the door. You want to roll, as opposed to crawling or dragging yourself, because the rolling action scares the fire away with static electricity. Fires don't come near static electricity. That's why fabric softener dryer sheet factories never catch on fire. Just remember, if there's a fire around, stop, drop, and roll. It could save you from dying.
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OMG! ADVICE! |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 Oh my God, you guys, I'm totally bored with this column. I don't even think anybody reads it. I thought it would be so much fun, but it's really not. Plus, I just don't have time to come up with fake questions anymore. I hope you guys aren't, like, totally mad at me for stopping, but I just can't keep doing it. I'm really busy and it's just not that interesting to me. I mean, why write an advice column if there are really awesome sales I could be looking at online? You see my point. If you need any real advice, come by my desk and ask me. I don't really know much about families or money or anything like that, so just try to focus on boys or make-up or decorating, because those are really my areas of expertise. Peace out, you guys!
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GOOD WRITTANCE, TOBY |
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by Michael Scott
I know some of you miss Toby already. Stop wasting your time. He's not worth your tears. Instead, focus on the great things we can do now that Toby's gone. Remember when I wanted to have those pig races in the office and Toby said that it was a health code violation and it wasn't even work-related, so there was no way we could ever have pig races in the office? Well guess what? Now that Toby's gone, we're going to have pig races every week! I called a guy who owns pigs and he's going to supply the porkers for a nominal fee that I will gladly cover. Can't you just see those little piggies flying around the floor by accounting? I can. Did you know they race for Oreos? I found that out when I saw the pig races at the state fair. That's where I got the idea for pig races in the first place. Man, we're going to have so much fun now that Toby's gone. I have about a million things planned. This office is going to be a funatorium now that that sad sack with the droopy eyes is gone. He had the droopiest eyes, didn't he? He did. He really did. Blech.
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FANTASY BASEBALL UPDATE |
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by Kevin Malone
If you're not in my fantasy baseball league, then you can skip to the next section. This only really applies to Andy, Jim, Phyllis, and myself.
Hey guys. I still need the entry fees ($20) from all of you. I don't want to be a jerk about it, but if I don't get the entry fee from you before June, then I have to kick you out of the league. Don't make me do that, because that'll make things really awkward considering we only have four people as it is and we're playing head to head. If I have to kick anyone out, that means, every week somebody's going to get a perfect 12-0 record and that'll really mess up the stats. Please pay me. Also, does anyone want to trade for Joe Mauer? I think he's really going to break out soon, but right now I just don't have the patience for him. Let me know if you're interested.
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DOG SITTER? |
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by Creed Bratton
 I got a dog. You've probably seen her because I leave her tied up outside the office most of the time. A few nights ago, the fuzz tracked me down and told me they'd write me a ticket if I kept her tied up like that anymore. They told me to leave her at home and get a dog sitter. My living situation is a little fluid right now, so I can't really leave her there. Basically, what I'm saying is, I'm looking for someone to dog-sit for me. I don't know what you guys do during the day, but I'm pretty much chained to this desk, so it can't be me. If you have a flexible work schedule, I bet we can work something out. I'm willing to pay with some very eye-opening payment, if you know what I mean. Stop my desk and I'll give you a free sample. Oh, and don't bother signing up for the job if you're afraid of dogs. She's a biter.
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