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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
 I would like to take this time to address a series issue: toilet paper abuse. The office is using entirely too much toilet paper; usage has been up 5% each month for the last three months and cloggings are through the roof, or should I say not through the pipes. Plus I've observed people using toilet paper for purposes outside of its intended use: women (and possibly Oscar) are using it to blot their lipstick, Kevin uses it to color on, and I suspect Kelly pads her chest with it. This has to stop! I've tried to discourage your exploitation by replacing the Charmin with the coarser thinner toilet paper imported from Russia, and yet your over consumption proceeded. People have ignored my memos and the signs I put up in the stalls prohibiting the use of more than 3 squares a day. Now I must take more drastic measures. Toilet paper is a privilege, not a right, so I am removing the toilet paper from the bathrooms altogether. If you need some, you can see me at my desk and in emergencies I'll provide you with no more than one square per day. I suggest you use it wisely.
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A POEM |
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by Ryan Howard
This poem is dedicated to anyone that has suffered because of the oil spill or anything else.
"Stop the Seepage"
Oil slick, so thick,
Birds die, CEOs lie,
BP stock is tanking, Heads are shaking,
Why is the government blanking?
Animals can't vote, they have no voice,
We need action, because we have no choice,
Someone needs to make the world see,
That someone is me.
The ocean is not a giant trash bag,
So I'm starting a twitter hashtag,
If you want to stop the oil that kills,
Tweet for #NoMoOilSpills.
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OSCAR'S GRIPE |
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by Oscar Martinez
President Obama nominated Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. I for one would like to applaud the nomination, and simultaneously shame the press for speculating on her sexuality. How dare you! Just because she's an unmarried woman with a short haircut, likes softball, and enjoys cigars does not mean that she is a lesbian.
Just because I enjoy fine wines, Pedro Almodovar movies, and the musical stylings of Enya does not mean that I am a homosexual. Yes, I am a homosexual, but that's not why. I call upon Miss Kagan to not answer questions about her sexuality – it isn't anyone's business. We don't want to put your confirmation in jeopardy. Once you get on the bench you can publicly announce anything you want to, but please wait until then. Our community is counting on you to get on the highest federal court so you can overturn those outrageous laws banning same sex marriage and rebuke any taxes on Pinot Grigios.
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FASHION 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 You guys, Tyra's show is off the air. I'm soooo bummed. Only watching her on America's Next Top Model is just not enough Tyra. How could this happen??!! The Tyra Banks show was perfect for those days when you called in sick because you had a hangover, and you wanna watch a talk show, but don't want to watch anything too sophisticated where you have to think, like with Oprah. Now it's over. Who's going to preach about the issues I care about, like which weave to wear? And what tampon to use? Who is going to wear fat suits and talk about how hard it is for fat girls? Who? Tell me networks execs that cancelled her, WHO??!! This is an outrage!! I would kill myself, but Tyra always told me to be strong… Ugh, now I'm going to have to start TiVoing the poor man's Tyra: Wendy freaking Williams.
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
 All this fuss is made about Spring Break, but hardly anyone talks about Summer Break, which is dumb because it's way hotter - literally! MTV should get with it. Anyway, this summer I'm going catch up on my new favorite show, Glee. I've watched the first season and I have some ideas for the producers:
- Why is it called Glee? Couldn't it be called Show Choir or High School Musical?
- That chubby black girl, Lexus, should only sing songs by Aretha Franklin, Jennifer Hudson and the legendary Nell Carter.
- Could the wheelchair boy get a legs transplant and start walking? I'm getting tired of seeing him in that chair.
- Why don't the cheerleaders sing "Hey Mickey"? How have they not thought about this yet?!
- There're a lot of gay guys but not one lesbian, so maybe the show should be less racist and have one Ellen in the cast.
- David Archuleta could transfer to the high school, he'd fit right in and they don't have a Latino boy (I thought the cool football jock with the Mohawk was Latino, but in a surprise twist he's Jewish)
- Could the wheelchair boy sing "Wheeling Through Memphis" or "Wheel This Way" or "Wheel the Line" Ha ha!! Get it? 'Cause he can't walk.
- I could guest star as a new bad boy that come to the school and rap lyrics between their dance breaks...they could call me White Rabbit. Just a thought.
Producers of Glee, when you read this company newsletter, please take my notes seriously. With my suggestions Glee can go from a good show, to a gooder show. You're welcome.
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