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DWIGHT SPEAKS!
Shoes Must Remain On During Working Hours |
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by Dwight Schrute
Our office has fallen prey to a dangerous trend and I want to put an end to it before it gets out of hand. On more than one occasion, I have noticed employees removing their shoes while they are in the office. Some violators keep their non-shoed feet under their desks, while others take things a step further and walk around the office sans footwear. Where do you think you work? The beach? Let me be the first to remind you that Dunder Mifflin Scranton is a place of business. As such, you must wear business attire AT ALL TIMES. Business attire includes shoes. Without shoes, your feet become vulnerable to all sorts of office maladies that you would otherwise be safe from. Let's say that a certain larger African-American gentleman dropped a paper clip on the floor. Let's also say that, as a result of repeated stepping by other workers (wearing shoes, mind you), the paperclip is now malformed and jagged. Now let's just picture what happens when a certain redhead comes traipsing through the office on the way to the kitchen and - egads! - steps on the jagged paperclip which then becomes lodged in said gingerhair's foot. That paperclip could cause untold damage, which the afflicted employee may then take out on the company. It all could have been avoided if the proper dress code was followed.
Don't be an idiot, people. Wear shoes at all times inside the office.
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FLAX "SEEDS" |
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by Holly Flax
 Apparently my little facts last month were a big hit, or so Michael says, so he asked me to come up with some more Flax Seeds. Here they are:
- Let sleeping dogs lie. If you bother a dog while it's sleeping, you might get bitten and while the dog's bite may not be as bad as its bark, a bite's a bite, you know?
- India is a country that's also a subcontinent. Indian people like to eat flatbread called naan. If you try to light this flatbread on fire, you'd be a naan-smoker.
- A group of lions is called a pride. A group of lions marching can be called a Pride Parade. A group of homosexual lions marching and celebrating both their sexuality and the fact that they're marching can be called a Pride Parade Pride Parade.
- Salsa is America's favorite condiment. Oddly enough, America is salsa's favorite country, so it really works both ways.
- June is the only month that rhymes with cartoon.
Come on back next month where I'll have some more brain-busting Flax Seeds for you. And let me know if you have any HR problems. I'm here for you!
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NOTES FROM THE WAREHOUSE |
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by Darryl Philbin
Not much to report down here. One of the trucks got a flat last week, so we had to work a double-shift to make up all the lost time. That was pretty bad, because Lonny had to leave early to go to his niece's ballet thing. Also, a raccoon got in the baler, which ended up being kind of messy. Madge volunteered to clean it out, though, so I guess our Employee of the Month is Madge. Congratulations, Madge. You don't win nothing, but we all got a clean baler because of you. Thanks.
Also, to the people that keep coming down to the warehouse without shoes on, stop it immediately. Do you know how much you could hurt if you stepped on a screw or something? Don't be an idiot, put some shoes on.
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WALK WITH ME |
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by Phyllis Vance
 Hello everybody. The summer is here and you know what that means: it's bikini season. I want to try in get in better shape so I can impress Bob Vance when we go down to his beach house in July. I weighed (no pun intended) all my exercise options and decided I'm going to start walking around the building for twenty minutes before work every day. If it's too hot, I'll just use the hallways inside. If you're interested in joining me, just let me know. I'll be buying new sweatbands this weekend and I'd be happy to pick some up for anyone else, too. God knows I need them, because I really sweat a lot when I exercise. So anyway, please join me in my new athletic endeavor. Thank you.
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WATCH THIS!
A (sometimes) Monthly Movie Review Column |
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by M. Gary Scott
I saw Iron Man a few weeks ago and it kicked some serious caboose. My favorite part of the movie was when Robin Downey Jr. made a huge metal suit in a cave. How did he know how to do that? That was awesome. Then, he made an even better suit in his lab. Oh, and there was a really cool car, too. Here's what I didn't get - why did they cast Gwinith Paltrow? I mean, she's super attractive, but they barely used her. I mean, this is the same woman who fell in love with Shakespeare, and he's the greatest lover of all. You'd think they could sex her up a little, you know? I'm not complaining because this movie had a little of everything and a lot of explosions, but seriously, they just wasted her. Great movie all around. I give it six thumbs up on a scale of five stars.
Oh-I almost forgot. I got Milkduds at the theater for the first time in years and, man oh man, I forgot how much I liked those. They taste so good, even if they look like rabbit poop. I'm going to get them all the time now. I wonder if they sell them outside of movie theaters. I'll ask next time I'm there.
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