Dunder Mifflin, Inc. - Scranton Newsletter


		Vol. 11 #6 June 25, 2009 Scranton Newsletter


	DWIGHT SPEAKS!


	by Dwight Schrute I've told you people time and time again, just because we are a paper company does not mean we have paper to waste. On the contrary, every paper wasted is a piece of paper that is not sold, so you're taking money from the company's pocket. I see how you misuse paper with crappy drawings (PAM), by printing up celebrity horoscopes (KELLY), or by tearing it into strips to roll cigarettes (MEREDITH). I've been keeping notes (on the back of old discarded pieces of paper, thank you very much) of all the paper you're wasting, and I sent those notes to Corporate. When David Wallace calls you to ask why you wasted three sheets of paper to blot your lips last week (PHYLLIS), you'll be sorry you didn't listen to me earlier.


	ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER


	by Angela Martin As you know, I use this newsletter to rate the cuteness of animal photos forwarded to me. This week someone sent me this photo of the world's ugliest cat. Now, I believe that cats are the planet's most perfect creatures, so if you asked me before I saw this photo, "Is the ugliest cat in the world cute?" I'd respond, "Of course, it's still a cat. Don't waste my time with dumb questions." But now, having seen this photo, I'm not sure if I can honestly say this is a cute cat. They say that real beauty is on the inside. Who knows, maybe on the inside she's a cuddly sweetheart. But I doubt it. This cat is so unfortunate looking on the outside that it has to have spilled over to her personality. In fact, I'd bet my bottom dollar this cat has a bad spirit. Although she's a cat, I'm going to have to conclude that she's mean and evil - NOT CUTE.


	KELLY'S DISCUSSION KORNER Winnie the Pooh vs. Hello Kitty


	by Kelly Kapoor So I'm going to answer the age-old question: who's better, Hello Kitty or Winnie the Pooh? I love both of them, very much. I once got a henna tattoo of Winnie the Pooh during spring break, and I was super close to getting a real Hello Kitty tattoo on grad night (I didn't because when I called my parents for permission, they said no). I love Winnie the Pooh because he has a sweet tooth, which I find very relatable - I too have had my hand stuck in a honey jar. But Hello Kitty is girlier, she's got a pink bow and she's a girl. Hello Kitty is a better dresser - I can't tell if Pooh is wearing a red sweater or a shirt, what up with that? But Winnie the Pooh has that cute gentle old man voice - I don't think Hello Kitty even knows English. I was torn, until I saw that MAC launched a Hello Kitty line. It's ah-mazing!!! I love it so much that I maxed out all three of my credit cards again!! What girl doesn't want to look like Hello Kitty!? Guys, it's official, Hello Kitty is cooler than Winnie the Pooh - at least until Winnie the Pooh comes out with his own fragrance.


	A FAVOR FOR CREED


	by Creed Bratton Ol' Creedy's getting some time off this summer and he's gonna take advantage of it. I'm hopping on a train, gonna see where it takes me. Hopefully we don't go to Atlantic City, I'm a dead man if I show my face around there. With any luck we'll step off in St. Louis, I got something buried under the gateway arch. Hawaii's good this time of year too. While I'm gone, I'll need someone to look after my pet crow. He's a good crow; I nursed him as a chick when I worked as a prison librarian. He don't caw much, but he does go for the eyes. Payment is a brown paper bag of goodies. Let me know if you're interested, you can find me right over there.


	SCOTT'S SHOTS


	by Michael Scott The other day Oscar said that he was having an exclusive potluck picnic. He's letting Stanley go if he brings salad, salmon, steak, or Starbursts. Andy is invited if he brings apples, ahi, or asparagus. Phyllis can go if she brings pickles, pie, or pineapple. He's even letting Toby go if he brings tofurkey (gross!). When I asked if I could come if I brought jumbo shrimp, Oscar said no, and everyone in the office laughed at me. He said I could go if I brought mangos, marzipan, or mint jelly. I told him I hate all those things and that I wanted to bring jumbo shrimp. They laughed at me again. I don't see what was so funny. Well I'll show those losers what's funny, I'm having a dinner party and it's going to be hill-freaking-arious. I'm stocking up on all the funniest foods imaginable. Here's my menu: Cheese to cut (Who cut the cheese? Classic!) Hot dogs we can refer to as wieners S Cargo (I thought this dish was mythical, but it's real! "Slippery Suckers!" Pretty Woman) Spicy ethnic food you give to someone with a weak stomach or an ulcer (Like in Dumb in Dumber, Mrs. Doubtfire and Along Came Polly) Watermelons to hit with sledgehammers Banana cream pie (Pie in the face!) Banana to slip on Banana in my pocket Jumbo Shrimp (Funny because it's a play on words. Jumbo means big and shrimp means small, they're opposites.) That outta show those losers that laughed at me. Of course they're all invited (except for Toby). I hope everyone can make it. It's going to be a gas!





	You've received this newsletter because you subscribed to it while visiting dundermifflin.com. To unsubscribe, click on the following link: www.dundermifflin.com/contact/unsubscribe.shtml *Please allow 3 to 5 business days for your unsubscribe request to take effect.* By using this service, you are agreeing to be bound by our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. © 2009 Dunder Mifflin, Inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved.