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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
 The summer solstice has just passed. While this is a time to get excited about the new season's beet crop (and our brand new cabbage crop!) it is also a time when people play fast and loose with the thermostat. To eradicate the biannual battle over the thermostat, I have installed a titanium lock-box around the thermostats in both the office and the annex. Only I have the key and I will set the temperature at twenty-eight point five degrees Celsius (eighty-three point three degrees Fahrenheit.) Several studies based on the average human (thirty-five year old male, six feet tall with a neck beard) have shown this to be the optimal temperature for cost savings in both electricity and human work output. Lowering the temperature is akin to feeding dollar bills into the air conditioners. Raising the temperature makes workers too disoriented to be productive.
Should you not be average and want to feel "comfortable," I will hold a series of Neijia classes during lunch every Wednesday in July on how to find your optimum body temperature using mind control. Meet in the parking lot. The cost is $25.00 per class. Should your productivity wane, these classes will become mandatory.
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SUMMER LOVE POEM |
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by Andy Bernard
Get your deck shoes on and your croquet sets out because the best season of the year is finally upon us! Summertime and the living's easy. I've been working on a summer love poem that I hope to unveil at the Scranton Public Library, and then possibly turn it into an acoustic ballad. It's to no one in particular, could be any girl. Here's an exclusive first taste, for your eyes only.
Solar rays beat down on the Dunder Mifflin parking lot
The air is humid, the temp is hot
I love how your red hair shimmers in the sunlight
I could listen to stories of your troubled past all night
What's best about a summer day? It's lazy and slow
All I want to do is whisk you away to eat fro-yo
Later on we'd chill at my grill and cook up a few wieners
Reminds me of the freedom and enchantment of my teen years
I think you're amazing in every single way
I'll do anything to have you, I'd even pay
Us together is nothing short of perfection
Please say you'll be my summertime connection
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DARRYL SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT |
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by Darryl Philbin
I want to let everybody know that the warehouse is hosting a garage sale this weekend. If you've got some goods you need to sell, load up your minivans and get over here. We'll do this up flea market style. Here's we've got so far:
- Gabe's pleather loveseat
- Oscar's Dali prints
- Erin's Duck Tales sleeping bag
- Meredith's deflated waterbed that can be used as a tarp, an air mattress, a swing (not for children)
- Turtlenecks, doilies, and turtlenecks that look like doilies from Angela
- Free dirt from Creed
- And Mike's lemonade (not the hard stuff, Michael is actually making lemonade)
Same rules as always:
- No early birds.
- No selling underwear.
- Pick-ups only. We ain't using the delivery truck for this.
- No weapons [Dwight]
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CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 I never thought I'd get into the World Cup this year because I didn't even know what it was. I kept hearing people talk about it and I was like, what the eff is World Cup? Some United Nations food charity? Dishes for the world? But now that I know it's about soccer, I am so down. Soccer players are the hottest. Um hello, Cristiano Ronaldo? Ever heard of him? Fernando Torres - hola hottieola. Luis Fabiano - totally fabuloso. Lukas Podolski - yes please! Kaká (despite his name). Some peeps are complaining because of bad ref calls and all the ties and stuff, but who cares! A bunch of sexy athletes with accents are prancing around in cute outfits for 90 minutes. And then omg, they even take their shirts off and swap them with each other at the end of the game! We all win.
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
 As you all know, Darryl's hosting a summer garage sale in the warehouse. At first I was excited - bunch of best friends getting together on the weekend, bartering, getting messed up on lemonade. But as I was looking around my condo for things to sell, I realized something disturbing. I am...a hoarder.
I've got b-loads of unnecessary crap. Ab Rocket, Shoedini, Hair in a Can, Thighmaster, Nads, talking bass plaque, Chia Pets, solar powered tanning bed... Sometimes I find myself on Craigslist just hanging out, randomly calling about "free stuff" I don't even need. I have five Ikea coffee tables. I had no idea that collecting keepsakes was weird until I saw this TV show about hoarding. It makes people who hold onto baby clothes and pets and a little bit of garbage seem like they're crazy. And yes, some of the pets are dead. But they probably brought great joy to those people and they don't want to let go. I totally get it. That's how I feel about Bea Arthur.
Anyway I'm going to be proactive and not only sell all my stuff, but I'm also going to practice major constrength at the garage sale. I don't need Meredith's old MC Hammer pants! After all, having a bunch of material things doesn't make you happy. What it's really about is just having the best job and the best looking family on your street, and I'm already half way there. I may keep my ShamWow though.
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