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DWIGHT SPEAKS!
"Don't Waste My Time, I Have Work To Do" |
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by Dwight Schrute
In all honesty, I don't even have time to write this for the newsletter. I am swamped. For some reason, this July is one of the most profitable months I've ever had at Dunder Mifflin. I'm sorry the same can't be said for the rest of the sales force. As a result of how busy I am, please stop talking to me. I can't be bothered with your petty small talk. Just pretend I don't exist. I will do the same with all of you. This is not the time to get distracted by the likes of you people. While you chatter away, I will continue to have my eyes on the prize. What prize is he talking about, you might ask? Money. The prize is money. It always has been and it always will be. Now excuse me, but I have to get back to doing my job.
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FLAX "SEEDS" |
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by Holly Flax
I think I'm really getting into the groove with these Flax Seeds, guys. They're becoming part of my every day life. Case in point: I was at the grocery store last weekend and I came up with one. Now I know what it feels like to be a writer! Without further adieu, here they are:
- Apples come in many varieties - Golden Delicious, Fuji, etc. -- but you don't really see a lot of different kinds of pineapples. I suppose if you really want to get technical, "pine" could just be another variety of apple.
- Pasteurization, the process of sterilizing certain foods, comes from French scientist Louis Pasteur. If he kept cows in his fields, they would be grazing in a Pasteur Pasture.
- The most shoplifted book in the world is the Bible. I guess if the shoplifter already had a copy, they probably wouldn't be shoplifting anymore.
- The Eiffel Tower is six inches taller when it's summer because the steel expands in warm weather. I'm not sure if the same proves true for Superman, the Man of Steel, but if he sticks to shorts in the summertime, he should be okay.
And those are your Flax Seeds for this month. Check back next month when I'll plant some new seeds of wisdom into the gardens of your mind. Also, keep in mind that vacation requests must be made at least two weeks in advance. Thanks for reading!
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PLEASE FULLY FILL IN ALL FORMS |
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by Oscar Martinez
Hello. It seems that people have gotten very lazy recently regarding their paperwork. This especially applies to the salespeople. When you hand in a form to accounting, be it a purchase order, a requisition form, or any other form, you NEED to fill in all the spaces completely. How are we in accounting supposed to know who Jackie is? You need to include Jackie's last name. You should also write Jackie's phone number and the name of his/her business on the form. If you don't, your customer's order will be delayed and, more importantly perhaps, your commission will be delayed. Fully completing an order form doesn't take long. Just fill in all the sections of whatever paperwork you're handing in to us and you'll be all set. Thank you for your time.
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POSTCARD FROM TOBY |
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by Toby Flenderson with Editorial Assistance by Michael Scott
Toby sent the office a postcard last week. Even though I don't miss him at all, I thought you all would want to read what he wrote.
"Hey Everyone,
Things are great down here in Costa Rica. I'm learning how to surf and..."
You know what? I won't let Toby waste any more space in my newsletter. This is for news, not boring messages from stupid people who used to work here. If you want to read the rest of it, I'll put it up in the kitchen.
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I AM NOT RELATED TO THAT BASKETBALL PLAYER |
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by Pam Beesly
 Several of you have asked (some of you more than once), so I wanted to set the record straight and say that I am not, nor have I ever been, related to Michael Beasley, the basketball player who was just bought by the NBA (Bought doesn't seem like the right word here - is chosen better? Jim? Anyone?). I know our last names sound the same, but think about this: they're spelled completely differently. Also, he's black and I'm not. I realize this doesn't necessarily mean that we can't be related, but in this case, it means that we're not related. Sorry to disappoint you guys. If we were related, I'm sure I could get people Sixers tickets when his team - and I have no idea what team that is - comes to town, but unfortunately for everyone, we are not related. Please stop asking me. It's getting annoying.
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WATCH THIS!
A (sometimes) Monthly Movie Review Column |
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by M. Gary Scott
"WALL-E"
You all need to see Wall-E. It's the greatest love story on the planet and the people in it aren't even really people. It's about this robot that looks a lot like Johnny-5 Alive in "Short Circuit," except this guy is smaller and makes trash cubes in his belly. His name is Wally. He falls in love with a girl robot named Eve. Wally gives Eve a plant and it looks like she's dead, but it turns out she's just resting. I've had this experience with girls myself, so I can vouch that women actually do this.
The movie starts off really slow, but mostly because Wally doesn't have anyone to talk to on Earth. Then Eve comes. She tries to kill him, but Wally's good at hiding behind things so he stays alive. Then a big ship comes and takes Eve away. Wally loves her so much that he hangs on to the ship and flies away to a bigger ship with her. I don't want to spoil anything that happens after this, but I was crying like a baby for most of the rest of the movie. Partly because it was kind of sad (but in a good way), but mostly because it was really dry in the theatre and I have very sensitive eyes.
When Wall-E comes out on DVD, I'm going to buy a copy for the office because everyone needs to see it. My only complaint is that they should have called the movie "Wally." I don't know why they tried to spell it differently. I guess they thought they were being creative.
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