PAM'S POLL
by: Pam Halpert
Studies show that listening to classical music at the office helps increase output and productivity. Would you enjoy Wolfgang in the workplace?
Yes: 46%
No: 48%
*Phyllis wrote in: "Honesty I wouldn't mind listening to a little of that Wiz Khafilla rap fellow. He's got a nice smile :)"
Letter to Kristen Stewart
by: Kelly Kapoor
Dear Kristen,
When I first heard you cheated on Robert, guess what I said? Just GUESS. You wanna know???....... Nothing. Because I passed out. Luckily my boyfriend is a doctor, so I'm never afraid to dramatically collapse whenever the situation calls for it. After I regained consciousness, I demanded to see a picture of this alleged "movie director" you've been doinking, and when I did I was like EW! That's Mike from Jersey Shore!!! Ravi said it isn't, but I'm still not convinced. Either way, it was a hella messed up thing to do. Skank around on ROBERT PATTINSON - with his insanely hot British accent, and his gloriously textured hair that quivers in the wind? That shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
I won't name names, but Ryan used to cheat on me all the time. It was such a craptastic feeling. It got to the point where he was so emotionally distant, he gave me no other choice but to fake a pregnancy to get his attention. I know what you're thinking, and yes - he was that bad. He strung me along for a while, but when I finally realized he would never stop trifflin, I axed him ASAP. Actually first I broke into his house and put his iPad in the dishwasher, then I dumped him. The whole thing was a dramatic hot mess because neither of us were being honest with ourselves. But now everything's how it should be: I get to go to events like the Biennial Nutrition Education & Breastfeeding Conference on the arm of my adorable pediatrician wearing my sexiest Bebe gown, and Ryan gets to sit home and send me jealous messages on Facebook. So for the love of God, Stewart - if you don't want to be with Pattinson, you need to be honest about it so both of you can move on to whatever phase is next. Let other girls have a chance at that undead heartthrob!
Good luck,
-Kelly
Holla if you wanna Lolla
by: Meredith Palmer
Anybody want to carpool to Lollapalooza? And by "carpool," I mean you drive and I ride? I don't have cash for gas money, but I've got a half full bottle of Beefeater and a couple of Hungry-Man TV dinners I can bring. They might be expired, but expiration dates are for chicks. Oh and I don't have tickets, but trust me - it's not that hard to fence-jump.
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Cheat Sheet
by: Ryan Howard
In the wake of all this Kristen Stewart cheating drama, I feel compelled to offer some advice on the subject. I'm gonna keep this like Dakota Fanning: short and sweet.
- Never, ever go out of your way to be honest about cheating. A lot of people say they want to confess to ease their mind. That's moronic. You think your partner's gonna be like, "Oh, cool. Thanks for telling me, cupcake. Let's go to Chipotle." Hell no. They'll do everything humanly possible to MAXIMIZE your guilt. And if they're anything like Kelly, they might even kick you in six inch heels and you end up in the hospital with two cracked ribs.
- If they suspect something: deny, deny, deny. It's just easier.
- If they have legitimate proof, keep your cool and try to manipulate them into thinking it's their fault. This will confuse them. They'll feel like they don't deserve any better than you, and they'll stick around.
I'd like to tell you never to cheat again. Obviously you don't want to tempt fate. But what if you're drunk and fate is super hot? In that case, go ahead and repeat steps 1-3.
BRB
by: Creed Bratton
Going out to get milk. You guys need anything?
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