by: Pam Halpert
What do you think the best thing was before sliced bread?
48% said: Unsliced bread
46% said: Anything to avoid starvation
*Creed wrote in, "I was there. It was definitely stewed carrots."
Falling for Fall
by: Kelly Kapoor
As amazing as summertime is (bright colors, bold prints, Beyoncé concerts under the stars), you have to admit that fall is a pretty fantabulous season as well. Pumpkin lattes, caramel apples, the season premier of Vampire Diaries — like, omg! Nobody transitions from summer to autumn better than Kelly Kapoor, and since it's almost here I'd like to share a few haute pointers with you guys.
- Shopping: Everyone knows there are 13 spending seasons, including winter, spring, summer, allergy, post-New Year's, and holiday entertaining. But my fave by far is def fall, mainly because of one word: BOOTS. Also: BAGS. It's basically a leatherpalooza, and I enjoy it more than hacking Ryan's email. However it's also back-to-school season, and you don't want to have to fight off some irritating teenager for the last vertical striped blazer at H&M. So here's what you do: shop on the weekdays at odd hours. The stores are NEVER crowed then. OR try my #1 passion in life: online shopping.
- Friday Night Football: I know what you're thinking. Kelly K., the dopest chick in town, hanging out at a high school sports game with a bunch of pizza faces?? Absolutely. Take it from me — those bleachers are the best place to hear (or spread) the juiciest gossip.
- Changing Leaves: Sure, fall foliage is gorgeous and all that crap, but what's even more beautiful is the makeup that it inspires. Vibrant hues are a reflection of autumn, and they're always popular this time of year. If you've been dying to get all Kim Kardashianed-out, but aren't sure when it's approp, you're in luck cuz it's right now!
- Pie, bread, soups, chili. Need I say more? Okay I will. Candy corn, apple dumplings, ginger crisp, cider, corn bread... it's all so decadent! How can you avoid the fall weight gain? Remain in control and don't skip workouts. I also like to carry around a pic of one of those anonymous fat butts they show in news stories about obesity, and I stare at it whenever I feel myself going overboard.
- Camping: Usually I would not be caught dead hanging out in the gross woods sweating in some polyester tent. But it's actually almost enjoyable in the fall. It's still warm, but not bad-hair warm, and it cools way down at night so you won't be attacked by mosquitoes. It's a pretty easy getaway if you're looking for something to do on a holiday when all the malls are closed or whatever.
by: Creed Bratton
Anybody seen my pet scorpion lately? I had him in my drawer, but forgot how strong he is and I guess he escaped. He answers to the name of "Burrito." Let me know, or I'll just follow your screams.
by: Ryan Howard
As you may have heard, the adult film industry agreed to halt production after several stars tested positive for syphilis. The shutdown could last as long as 90 days while actors undergo tests to stop the outbreak. That's pretty extreme. Think about all those perfectly hot women who don't have the disease and want nothing more than to create meaningful art, but have been forced into unemployed thanks to the actions of a few bad seeds. My heart breaks for them. It's not like I watch porn or anything; I get my fix from True Blood. But I really feel for all the innocent victims and would like to help them through this moratorium by taking up a collection. Please contribute any cash donations to the "I ♥ BOOBS" mug on my desk. Let's make a difference together.
by: Kevin Malone
Hey guys. I'm having a Labor Day BBQ, and I'm inviting all of you to come over (except Nellie, 'cause she tells a lot of weird lies like "too many hot dogs can send you to an early grave." What an un-American weirdo). Here's what I have so far: hot dogs, sausages, bratwurst, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, fried chicken, chicken wings, ice cream, potato salad, Budweiser, Dr. Pepper, Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream, bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapenos for a vegetable, and some really good CDs. What I don't have: a Slip 'N Slide, hot babes. So bring those. See you there.