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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
 Whoever is leaving the saucers of milk and bowls of creature kibble in the parking lot needs to cease and desist immediately. It's attracting an offensive mass of wild cats. I've already slain four with my car - three by accident, one by choice. If they continue to be nourished, they will soon come to rely on this food source as their sole supply. Consequently, the rodent population will rise to an ungodly quantity. The rats will begin to scour our dumpsters, wallowing in the trash and spreading it about the streets like VD at Mardi Gras. What was in that trash? The personal documents you forgot to shred. Soon a no-luck-Chuck comes across your last bank statement and it seems his day just got a little better. He's off to the races with your identity. Bottom line, think twice next time you want to put out that chow. It can come back and paw you directly in the face.
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
 I will be hosting a pet vaccination clinic in the parking lot this weekend. There are many delightful (yet feral) cats in the neighborhood that deserve to be protected. They are highly susceptible to viruses such as rabies, which is extremely miserable and leads to a slow and agonizing death. Please stop by if you would like to bring your own beloved pet to the clinic. It should be a pleasant time - there will be juice, folding chairs, and jazz that I'll be playing on a miniature radio. I've also enlisted some local children to help me build cat playhouses out of popsicle sticks and glue to guard them against high temperatures. If you cannot attend, I will be hosting back at my normal spot next weekend, Holy Trinity.
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CREED'S WARNING |
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by Creed Bratton
The heat this summer is more wicked than the British. I recently woke up face down on a bridge at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. No idea how I got there (to that particular bridge, not the wizard world. Had tickets for months). If I had to guess, I'd say it was heat stroke. I remember experiencing many of the classic symptoms: confusion, dizziness, listlessness, thirst. It was just like Woodstock minus the free love. In any case, when it's sizzling out always remember to hydrate, wear your bucket hat, and keep it made in the shade my friends.
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CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
I successfully completed an Executive Training Program this summer, and I learned all about guys like Bill Gates, Karl Albrecht and that kid who created Facebook. And although those men are totally fierce, I would like to take a moment to recognize a very special woman who is so often overlooked: Michelle Obama.
Picture this - 1980, south side of Chicago. Declining steel mills, no computers, bad hair. A young, wide-eyed Michelle lived with her family in a bungalow and had to share a bedroom with her brother. Growing up I had to share my jet ski with Rupa, so I completely feel her pain. Michelle stayed strong, and got herself into Princeton. Just like I stayed strong and was admitted to the Executive Training Program. Michelle became a lawyer and later a VP at the University of Chicago Medical Center, similar to how I became the most popular girl at my training program. Michelle is devoted to things like volunteering and public service. I'm devoted to giving Erin all my hand-me-downs every year. Recently Michelle has hosted roundtables with working women to hear about the complicatedness of "having it all," and I can so relate to that. It's hard to be the hottest, most academic, well-off girl in the office. People resent you. But with a role model like Michelle, women can learn to have it all and be gracious along the way. Not to mention she has a killer classy wardrobe. Michelle Obama: my new hero.
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As you all know, the 59th edition of the Miss Universe pageant was last week. And although the winner, Miss Mexico, is a stunning individual, I believe that Miss Philippines was fragrantly screwed over. First off, her name is Venus, so you know her hotness is out of this world. Secondly, she was the frontrunner the whole time! She did great in the opening number, she had a terrific evening gown, and you should have seen the way she tore up the runway in her swimsuit and stilettos - perfect walk, perfect turns. Let me tell you that's not easy to do. I've tried. She still had the question and answer portion left, but as far as I was concerned she had already won. Maybe her response didn't prickle the judges' fancy and she tripped over her words a bit, but who doesn't every now and then? Anyway I guess this is your year Mexico, with all your cartels and kidnapping. That's cool. But you keep your head up Miss Philippines, because you're only going to get hotter. We'll see you next year!