by: Pam Halpert
There's no "I" in team, and there's also no "I" in clean. I implemented a chore wheel, and unfortunately lots of people were unhappy with the first version, especially Kevin, who threatened to burn it. Is everyone satisfied with the new "tiny wheel?"
Change is Good
by: Andy Bernard
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes / (turn and face the strain) / Ch-ch-changes / Oh, look out you rock & rollers! / (Dunder Mifflin's in the fast lane) / With lots of new stuff that's occurred!
How does this David Bowie song apply to what I'm writing? (BT-dubs I altered the last two verses, but how legendary would it be if the Thin White Duke wrote a song about Dunder Mifflin?!) Anywho, I'm back from my Outward Bound Wilderness Adventure, and I wanted to address all the new ch-ch-changes around here, cause there have been aplenty! First off I'd like to introduce my new right-hand man, my consigliere if you will, Assistant Regional Manager - Mr. Darryl Philbin. He's the best guy for the job and I couldn't be happier with my choice. Not only is he fresh to death, but he's too legit to quit. Unlike Kelly, who actually quit. She moved to be with her fiancé who was hired at Miami University. Still not sure if she knows it's the Miami University in Ohio and not the one in Florida... But honestly I think Ohio will be a good match for Kelly. She's erratic, just like the weather patterns there. Unfortunately but not surprisingly, she left behind thousands of unanswered complaints, so we had to hire two new guys to take over her position. They're known around here as "new Jim" and "new Dwight." Their real names: Park and Cleat. Psych! It's Clark and Pete. Welcome aboard, guys! Get used to the jay-kays. This office is as just funny as SNL, and you're definitely gonna be asking for more cowbell.
After Kelly left, Ryan also quit and moved to Southwestern Ohio. He says it's going to be the next Silicon Valley. I've never really heard that before. The only person I know who lives in that region is a friend of my grandfather's. He owns a bead store, and says he enjoys the slower pace of life there. But who knows! The Ry guy always seems to have his finger on the pulse of the future. He's also had his fingers on cocaine before, so again, who knows. Nellie is still with us for now, but I know a lot of unnamed people who want her fired, so we'll see how long that lasts. To sum up - tons of exciting new adjustments around here, and I want you all to know you complete me (except for Nellie). Go team!
by: Meredith Palmer
What's up, wannabes? It's that time of year again! Oktoberfest!! I say that more of a warning than anything else cause I'll be pretty hammered for the next couple weeks. Oktoberfest is an important part of Bavarian history, and it's also an important part of Meredith's history. From late September to early October, I celebrate like the Germans do with nonstop booze, sausage and stumbling. Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinkin' - "that doesn't sound a whole lot different from her usual routine." Well trust me, it is. I wear lederhosen. Anyway I just wanted to apologize ahead of time for any indecent behavior, weird smells or vulgar language. It's not me, it's the 10% lager.
by: Kelly Kapoor
Dear Co-Workers and Managers,
As many of you are probably already aware cause I made a huge deal about it and put up a banner, I'm leaving Dunder Mifflin. I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what an amazing pleasure it is to type, "I'm moving somewhere better, bee-yotches!"
Ever since I started working here I've always said, "I could really go for an insanely hot rich guy falling in love with me right now." And it's finally happening! My super handsome fiancé Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami University and we're moving there together!! I'm even more excited than I was when I heard the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills got picked up for Season Three. Even though I never took the time to get to know any of you on a personal level, I've learned so much from you all - like what not to wear, and how not to be lame. I really benefitted from working at Dunder Mifflin for so long cause I was the hottest, trendiest person here, and it was so good for my self-esteem. Thank you so much for that, I'll never forget it. If you ever want to catch up or just need someone to gossip with, you can call me anytime* (*between 5 and 5:15, M-Tu). And I'll email you my new address ASAP so you can send me engagement gifts!!! I'll miss you! Remember, like I always say - don't ever change, unless it's to be popular.
by: Kevin Malone
A lot of people have been asking, so I'm setting the record straight once and for all: NO, I am not related to the Honey Boo Boo family. Sure, I love Sketti and homemade Cheetos, but who doesn't? I've never met those people and I probably never will, unless they invite me over for dinner, to which I would say yes.