 |
|
|
|
DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Dwight Schrute
Attention all mothers, fathers, legal guardians, and illegal guardians; I, Dwight Schrute, am opening a daycare service in the Scranton Business Park. As you all know, I can build a well-fortified pigpen, and I can dominate in a bullpen, so it makes sense that I would be able to create an efficient playpen. If this daycare is a success, I'm not stopping there.
The Scranton Business Park also has plans to offer Doggy Daycare! Why leave Rex trapped in the barn when he can come here and chase down feral cats and possums around the building? We'll offer an endless supply of various homemade animal bones for your four legged friends to gnaw on. And my cousin Mose will be on hand to interact with your dog throughout the workday. He is an excellent dog trainer - he trained our hound to dig graves. And should anything bad happen, he is experienced in natural canine euthanasia.
If you're interested sending your kids to the Sesame Avenue Daycare or your dog to the Scranton Business Bark, sign up with Nate right now!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
ANDY'S PERFORMANCE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Andy Bernard
Hear ye, hear ye! I, Andy Bernard, am performing at the Loose Screw in everyone's favorite musical about a serial killing stylist, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The show is, in a word, theatrical. The acoustics in the playhouse are amazing, the cast is incredible, the director is a genius, and the orchestra is okay. The Scranton Times said it best, "The [totally] [amazing] show runs through the first week of October [so] [see] [it] [tonight] [!]." Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you all in the aud' when I belt out some bars of S'Todd!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A MESSAGE FROM MEREDITH |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Meredith Palmer
Yo everybody, I screwed up and sent out an email to some of ya with an attachment I don't wantcha to see. When you get the email, don't download the video attached, okay? It's private. I mean the video's good, it gets pretty messy, I'm not ashamed of it, but... You know what? I don't really give a damn. Go ahead and take a look. Who the hell cares, right?! You're welcome! Now you all know my secret recipe for homemade Bloody Mary Tomato Soup.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
CELEB 411 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Kelly Kapoor
Forget Forever 21, today's female fashion trends can all be found at the costume shop!  I mean just look at today's pop princesses, they're all wearing over-the-top avant-garde outfits and crazy theatrical makeup. Nicki Minaj doesn't leave the house without a pink wig on. Katy Perry looks like an awesome slutty clown.  And Lady Gaga? Hello, the woman dressed up like a drag queen and steak at the same time for the VMAs! I for one think it's totally cool. Why should women be confined to wearing tasteful and practical clothes like pants and shirts? Blah! I just bought myself a St. Pauli Girl Beer Maid costume – No, not to wear on Halloween, to wear to work on Tuesday. :-)
|
|
|
|
|
|
ERIN'S PACKAGE OF BAD NEWS |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
by Erin Hannon
I have some super sad news everyone: our mailman, Mr. Szczepañski, is transferring. After nearly six months of dropping off our packages, he's moving to a route on the west side. If you've seen me sobbing at my desk all week, now you know why. I'm going to miss the way he'd drop off the mail and say stuff like, "Here's the mail." and "I gotta go." Our mail will still be delivered, but it won't be the same because someone else will be delivering it. To say goodbye to Mr. Szczepañski I bought him a card and The Postman on DVD (I really hope he has a DVD player). If we all chip in it comes $0.81 per person. Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
