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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
Recently, a number of employees have expressed anger regarding what they deemed my inconsiderate elevator etiquette, shutting the door in their faces or physically removing them from the elevator. Excuse me, I'm so sorry… for saving your ungrateful little lives! Used improperly, the elevator is a five-foot by four-foot death trap. It clearly states the maximum occupancy is eight persons or 1200 pounds, but everyone knows elevator companies always stretch those limits in order to impress building contractors. If you were buying an elevator, would you want the one that can support 1200 pounds or the one that only supports 900 pounds? I thought so. Plus, based on the age and lack of routine maintenance, I feel comfortable estimating the maximum load capacity at around 748 pounds.
In order to avoid the elevator cables from snapping and causing Scranton Office Park employees from plunging to a quick and incredibly painful death, I'm proposing several solutions. First, within our branch, each department (accounting, sales, customer service, supplier relations, human resources, management, etc.) will stagger their work start and work stoppage times by two minutes, in order to avoid crowds at the beginning and end of the work day. Additionally, I'm proposing we keep scales and calculators in front of all the elevator doors. Employees will be required to weigh themselves and announce their weight before entering the elevator. The calculators will help facilitate the ability of our "slower" employees to correctly calculate the group's total body weight, thus enabling them to adhere to the correct weight limits. Failure to comply with these new measures will undoubtedly result in the deaths of several people and their blood will be on your hands.
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
Lately, there have been a number of emails being sent around advertising (allegedly) "cute things." There are some things that I'll admit are quite cute, but other things that are quite horrible. So I wanted to set the record straight.
Cute: I defy a person not to find this cute. It's an adorable kitten, drinking a miniature "people drink" out of a straw. Cats don't normally drink "people drinks" and they never drink out of a straw! So it's funny. And adorable. And anyone who feels otherwise, is a sick and deranged individual.
Horrible: Everyone I know seems to think this is extremely cute, but they're all mistaken. This is exactly the size, color, and breed of dog that terrorizes my cats whenever I take them on a walk. Sure he's small, but he has a lot of energy and when he barks, my cats are terrified. Look at the teeth. I bet he'd love to bite Ash. Look at those beady little eyes. Soul-less. I wouldn't be surprised if this picture was taken right before this little monster attacked an innocent cat.
So in the future, I hope that this will help clear up any misunderstandings about which things are cute and which are horrible. Please use this as a guide before emailing family members and co-workers photos and spare them the horror of looking at horrible things.
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A MESSAGE FROM STANLEY |
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by Stanley Hudson
Whoever is taking my crossword puzzle books out of the bathroom and putting them on my desk, needs to stop! You are not doing me any favors. Things that go into the bathroom need to stay in the bathroom. I keep a book at my desk and a separate book in the bathroom in order to avoid that kind of cross-contamination. So I don't care if it has my name on it, you leave it in the little wicker basket that I brought in from home. And stop filling out the answers before I have a chance to do them! "Your Mama" is not an eight-letter word for largest land mammal.
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THE CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
Everyone has been talking about Jennifer Aniston finally calling out Angelina Jolie. Except, she didn't really call her out. She just said that some stuff Angelina said in some magazine last year was "uncool." I guess the classy thing would've been for Jen not to say anything at all, but if she wanted to win Brad back, I think she should've tried to smack Angelina down a notch. BAM! If my husband was Brad Pitt, and someone tried to steal him from me, OMG!!!!! You know I would've said a whole lot more than Jen did. I would've been up in her business like white on rice.
:( Excuse me, I'm trying to eat healthy, so, "like brown on rice." Ughh carbs - they're my real nemesis! :)
I really wish Jen had gotten nasty. I live for celebrity cat fights and this one would've been epic, if only Jen had been like, "Hey hootchie, are you happy? Are you happy with the way things turned out?! You're so evil!!!!" And then Angelina would've been like, "What? We made Mr. and Mrs. Smith, we got married, we adopted some African country, and you want to take that all away from me? How dare you?! We're better off and so is the world." And then Jen would've felt like an idiot. And Brad and Angelina would live happily ever after and adopt like a million more children, and have cute babies of their own, and make a sequel to Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And I'd be so happy too! I'm waaaaay more into "Brangelina" than I was "Bradiffer." I mean I feel for Jen, it's not easy to lose a man, but when you watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith, you have to admit, the Brangelina chemistry is undeniable!!! Two assassins in the same family, what are the chances?!
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AND NOW MICHAEL SCOTT |
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by Michael Scott
 Here's the thing about this so-called "financial crisis," if it were really bad, people would be jumping out of buildings on Wall Street. No one's jumping out of buildings, so it's probably just the media scaring us again, just like it did about birds catching the flu and cows getting mad.
But there is a problem and in order to make things right, the government needs to start printing more money and lots of it. Now I know it takes money to make money, but I sell paper and you can get a couple hundred sheets of it for a buck, thousands if you buy in bulk. If the government bought some quality Dunder Mifflin paper to print new money on, believe me, they'd make a huge profit on the deal even after the cost of ink. So if anyone knows Barack Obama, please forward this to him, and make sure he knows we're having an incredible special on Hammermill Great White recycled copy paper-99.99% jam free!
But if the government insists on continuing to get ripped off by the big box chains, there are other fixes. When it comes to stocks, they should start buying low and then selling high. I hear that's a good way to maximize profits. They should also consider focusing more on "transparency," "sustainability," and "stabilization." Those appear to be good things. At the same time we should avoid "recessions," "speculative bubbles," and "asset-liability mismatches," because according to Yahoo Answers, those are really bad things. Plus, they could cut or raise interest rates depending on the situation. I think if we take these simple steps, all our economic troubles will probably just go away, like global warming did after Al Gore made that really boring film.
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