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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
I feel the need to remind all Scranton branch employees that your Christmas vacations have not started yet. In recent days I have noticed many of you hovering around the holiday gift baskets while you're on duty. Personally I don't see the attraction of these overly sweetened fatty "treats." For a quarter of the price Mose can whip up some chocolate truffles so bitter they can make you cry and weave you a basket that can hold water. But that's neither here nor there. If you choose to stuff your face with unhealthy low-grade pastries, do so on your lunch break. Frequent visits to the break room and/or kitchen during work hours will no longer be tolerated. As of last week I have been tallying the company time wasted on these gluttoness activities so they can be deducted from your vacation hours. Kelly will be docked .23 hours. Pam, .28 hours. Kevin will be docked 3.48 hours. Human Resources will be notified.
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
Once again, the point of my article is to determine which photos emailed to me claiming to be cute are in fact cute, and which ones are horrible. These two were sent to me this week:
 Horrible. In fact, I find this offensive. To see these two animals like this is just wrong. Nature didn't intend for these to creatures to behave this way. She's a kitten! She should be with other kittens, not with that dog. It's shameful and it should not be encouraged. Why would you possibly email this to me? Not cute and disgusting!
 CUTE! This combines two of my favorite things, felines and Christian holidays. The caption said, "Santa Paws," such a clever play on words. Look at him, dress as Santa. It's adorable! If you don't think this is cute, there's something wrong with you.
I hope this evaluation will guide you when emailing me photos of things that you think are cute. I don't want to get any more horrible photos sent to me, but I will encourage you to send me those that you are quite sure I will find cute. Merry Christmas and regards.
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THE CREED BRATTON STORE |
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by Creed
Hey all, it's you're pal Creedy. With the holidays here you might have some shopping to do, well look no further than my trunk in the parking lot for the best deals around. I've got watches, stereos, a gold tooth and coming soon a Versace key chain. I take cash and stamps. Not included are those pesky serial numbers or any packaging. Hit me up!
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THE CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
OMG you guys! This month my life is all about Twilight! I've seen the movie six times and I'm seeing it three more times this weekend. I used to want to be a Vampire Slayer like Buffy because I thought all Vampires were these creep-ola guys with bad eyebrows that didn't respect a girl. That was before I saw Twilight. Robert Pattinson is doing for Vampires what Orlando Bloom did for pirates. Now, I totally wanna be a Vampire's girlfriend.
Vampires these days are super cute and super sensitive. They may suck your blood, but they'll wait until you're ready, and then send you a facebook message the next day to tell you how special it was. Plus Vampire boys are pretty; they have smooth soft skin, defined cheekbones, and long eyelashes - so hot! If Kristin Stewart doesn't know how good she has it, Robert Pattinson should stop by my place after dark. We can hold hands and talk about why he's so mysterious! AH, I love it! They've already started working on the sequel! I can't wait!! TWILIGHT!!!
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
 No pressure, but below is a Christmas wish list of things that I want. Now I know these economic times are here, but if you do get me something it would help the economy, so win win.
Michael Scott's Christmas List:
Wheelies - I can't believe I've been walking when I can be rollin'. Do they make dress shoes with wheels in them?
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream by Barack Obama - Don't tell me how it ends.
Skinny jeans - Totally hip.
Versace keychain - having this on my ring beside my PT Cruiser key and BevMo membership barcode will no doubtly impress the ladies.
Joe Versus the Volcano on DVD -
A classic!
So now you know how to make this boy's Christmas one to remember. I hope you all enjoy the holly-days, merry Christmas everyone! Happy Kwanza Stanley! Feliz comple anos Oscar!
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