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Vol. 14 #12
December 27, 2012
Scranton Newsletter
by: Pam Halpert

Pam Halpert
Are you superstitious that the new year is 2013?

87% Yes
13% No

Spooky! I'm changing my vote.

My Top 5 New Year's Resolutions
by: Stanley Hudson

Clark Green
I'd like to respectfully make some New Year's resolutions. Not for myself, mind you. I'm not perfect, but that's for me to deal with on my own time. These 5 resolutions pertain to you. It's high time somebody spoke up.
  1. Resolve not to talk about popular music in the office. It's extremely irritating. I care how Beyonce lost her baby weight about as much as I care about Justin Beaver's religious faith. Which is not at all.
  2. Resolve to keep your hands off of anything in the refrigerator marked "Stanley" or "Stan" or any variation therewith. This includes all sandwiches, entrees and soup. Don't even get me started on desserts. Salads are more of a gray area.
  3. This one's really just for Phyllis, so nobody else need bother reading it. Resolve not to be "helpful" when I'm working my puzzles. A five-letter word for desire might be "crave" if you see it begins with a c. But it also could be "covet." Your "help" wasted twelve minutes of my day.
  4. Resolve to keep the thermostat at 72. I don't know who keeps raising it to 76, but that is too warm for humans to function properly. If you're cold, I have a suggestion: long underwear and a sweater.
  5. Resolve to wear less perfumes and colognes. This one goes out to everyone except Meredith. Meredith, please resolve to do the opposite.
  6. Thanks for reading. Here's wishing everyone a happy and courteous new year.
Apocalypse? Now?
by: Creed Bratton

Clark Green
If you're reading this, it can only mean one thing, you survived the Mayan apocalypse. Stay calm. It's not the end of the world-oh, wait-I mean, um, don't despair. Rebuilding will go slowly at first. I imagine the hardest part will be getting the electric grid back up and getting everybody to pay their bills on time. I recommend 7-11's for looting. They have everything you'll need and are open 24 hours. Slurpies will melt quickly so drink as many of them as you can first. Whatever you do, watch out for some anti-hero to come onto the scene shaking up the newly reestablished status quo. Just remember this is your chance to build a better world, a utopia, like the Lenin song, In The Great City of Stone. No classes, everyone equal. Unless this apocalypse is bunk like all the other ones. I tell ya, fool me once into believing the world will end, shame on you. Fool me multiple times into believing the world will end, shame on you again. Not cool man.
The Dundle
by: Clark Green

Clark Green
I'm currently otherwise occupied "sealing the deal" with Jan right now, but a new Dundle was requested based on last month's popularity. So I'm emailing this in. Hope it gets there in time.


Shipping Policies for the New Year / Apology for the Christmas Party
by: Darryl Philbin

Darryl Philbin
Hey guys, I just wanted to update everyone on the new shipping policies we are going to have for out of state clients or any shipments in excess of 500 reams or more. Two day shipping will only be possible for our Wilkes-Barre clients. The policy change is in correlation to increased shipping costs which we are still trying to fix. See Val for any questions or concerns.
On a similar note, I would like to formally apologize for my actions during this year's Christmas party. I have already ordered us a new table for the conference room and I have had the carpet steam cleaned to get rid of, as people have put it, "that smell." If you were referred to by me as a "baby", "honey", or " that ugly kind of sexy", I again apologize.
Also I do have a few questions, like where my shoes ended up, who puked in my office, what exactly is in gluvein, and maybe most importantly, how I got home. Also if anyone happened to overhear a conversation that occurred between me and Jim Halpert having to do with Philadelphia, sports marketing, and an interview, I would love to get a full recap of what you remember to add to my records. So in conclusion, two day shipping on big orders or any client out of state is currently unavailable until further notice and also I am sorry for passing out on the hogmaw. Here's to a great new year!

Special Projects Of Self: Finding Motivation In Failure
by: Nellie Bertram

Nellie Bertram What are resolutions if not the Special Projects of ourselves? As another year draws to a close, I suppose we all become a tad nostalgic. Looking back, despite all of my many, many successes - and there were a few, believe me - I feel most motivated by my failures. And that's what resolutions are all about. Resolving to have the resolve to re-solve ourselves over and over again.
Did I fail at all of my resolutions? Did I even start half of them? The answer to these questions is a definitive "no," but despite these apparent failures, I had good intentions to try and fix myself. And one can't be punished for having good intentions, even if they don't lead to anything good. So what if I didn't run that 5K? I tried, and in the end that's all I can ask of myself. A 2K is still something you can hang your hat on. It may be a small victory in a war that was lost but if I choose to have a pessimistic outlook, well that's just one more failed resolution, isn't it? See what I did there? I'm taking one failure and using it as fuel to motivate myself to change for the better. And you can do it too.
So when making your resolutions, reach for the sky, even if you know you'll never make it. Remember the sky technically starts an inch off the ground so you don't always have to aim that high. And you can use all of that regret and failure to achieve more next year. And if you don't? Well there's always the year after that. Just let failure be your guide.

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